For centuries now, mankind has been unable to definitively answer exactly how the pyramids at Giza were constructed. Even the great Herodotus, the Greek historian who wrote in the 5th century B.C., 500 years before Christ, and the earliest known chronicler and historian of the Egyptian Pyramid Age, failed. But Herodotus visited the pyramids 2,700 years after they were built and "built" his conclusions on blocks of supposition and hearsay. However, he was a literary tour de force and a genius of the first order, so history tends to forgive him for this hiccup. The fact is, we may never know..which is great for both the myth and tourism.
Usually, with enough time and help from science and technological advancements, there isn't a great deal that remains a mystery to us these days. Which makes it all the more perplexing why the majority of people still find the mind of the opposite sex such an enigma. It remains an amazement to me that we have nailed down complex social structures of animals with no coherent speech, but when it comes to modern day dating and relationship know-how, we are about as knowledgeable as our paleolithic ancestors. So in an effort to finally put to bed the age old questions about understanding the opposite sex and what makes them tic, let's get to demystifying things.
PART I: WHAT WENT WRONG
Who cares! See, things go wrong and get off course all the time, and not just in relationships. You can spend years trying to figure out the impetus/origins of the problem, but then you have a lot of wasted time and what have you gained? For most, the only thing they've gained is a hefty therapy bill and an opportunity for one person to point a finger at the other and say, "See, I told you it was your fault!". Rarely an environment in which to foster trust and communication in your significant other. Enter Father William of Ockham, who wrote "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity", or more commonly referred to as Occam's Razor and more popularly, but incorrectly, summarized as "the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." Regardless, this theory is precisely the key to turning things around in your current relationship and to understanding the opposite sex. Meaning, stop over complicating the situation and your significant other. At some point you will truly need to sit down with the one you love and communicate. Let me be more specific..communicate, not talk at, which requires you to ACTUALLY be empathetic (if you require an understanding of empathy and good communication skills, then I suggest you Google it or enroll in a night school course). However, for now it is good enough to begin with one simple act/concept to get you well on your way to repairing your current relationship, which for some is easier than others (something my ex girlfriend couldn't manage which is why I happen to know a bit about the subject) and that is...BE SELFISH! No you didn't read that wrong. Before you break things off, drag your significant other kicking and screaming into therapy, postpone the wedding, or enter into yet another verbal tug of war, be selfish. Being selfish in this case refers to you imagining all the things your significant other used to say or do for you that made you feel special, good, happy, like you were the only guy/girl in the world, safe, cared for/about, etc. Now, before you do anything else (that includes having a "talk") start saying and doing all those things to your significant other that felt so good and reassuring to you (obviously not all at once or in one day, unless you want them thinking you've gone round the bend) for the next week. Don't make it obvious and do not act as if you're hoping for or expecting anything in return. If at some point during the week they ask you what's the deal with the sudden niceties, answer/react like it's an everyday occurrence and you really weren't aware of anything different in your manner. DO NOT seize upon the opportunity as an opening to throw your emotional/verbal floodgates open. Skip over it quickly and continue your day/routine as normal or as if nothing happened. If by the end of the week there isn't a noticeable change in your significant other (softened up, started communicating--not necessarily about the current problems--reciprocated some of these gestures, or in some tiny way tried to show you they still care) then it's time to start thinking about sitting down with them and discussing plans for an amicable break. It is human nature to be hurt by someone, and usually deepest by the ones we allow the closest to us. Even so, your bond with your significant other by far supersedes any periodic argument, hurt, anger, frustration you may have towards one another, and thus, when you start showing signs of the bond rather than the hurt, that's when human nature takes over and overrides the more foreign angry feelings and begins to force the loving core you've both developed to show through. NOTE: for some, (especially with guys!!) you may have to be incredibly in-tune with your significant other as they (we) can be stunning examples of reluctance when it comes to letting things go. If your significant other hasn't already broken down and asked to be forgiven or completed a 180* turnaround faster than a navy tail-gunner in a dogfight, then brace yourself because it's coming. If, however, you happen to be affixed to one of the aforementioned knuckledraggers, you most certainly should see a change, but possibly minus the breaking down and begging to talk bit, which is perfectly fine..would you rather be well on your way to relationship bliss and getting to the point where the two of you can discuss wants/needs/boundaries, or is having an all out "I need closure NOW" conversation more important? Regardless of how your situation plays out at the end of the week, there should be marked improvement, and with or without a "big talk" capping the week (I seriously can not stress this enough) DO NOT STOP DOING/SAYING THE THINGS THAT SHOW THEM YOUR LOVE, COMMITMENT, RESPECT, CARING...EVER!
Go right now to your calendar, day planner, phone, the back of your hand where you jot down all your notes, whatever..and mark today's date as "start", then put a big fat star and a "?" at 7 days from today. Not to worry, there are plenty more things I will share with you between now and then that will help you during this week and beyond, but as I said, for now it's enough to start with this single exercise. Lastly, I want to remind you that the key is to act normal and slide these niceties in under the radar, and above all, DO NOT be negative or allow yourself to be pulled into any arguments. Overlook any and ALL negativity completely! After all, they have no clue of your QB substitution. Talk to you very soon.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Coercion And The Last Stand: Custer And Sitting Bull Inapplicable
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Blogger..
So, In the spirit of the upcoming All Hollows' Eve, I have a bit of a trick and a treat for you (well, treat for some, that is). As I had promised; I was finished blogging. My intent and hope was to draw your attention to the distance that had slowly, and by degrees, crept up between you and the one you love(d); remind you of the time in the not so distant past when you literally and unquestionably would have stepped in front of a bullet for him/her; maybe, just maybe rattle around enough nostalgic embers to start a fire; and finally, impart to you enough stepping off stone ideas in order for you to find your way back to the path you both once felt so fulfilled on.
Well, so again, that's what I was aiming for, and apparently, it struck a chord with a handful of you who asked if I had any more info or tips on the subject. First, I want to make it abundantly clear that the information I've gained is from undergraduate psych/sociology courses, personal experiences, listening to friends/co-workers/couples, along with a lot of personal fact finding research. I DO NOT hold any degrees or certificates, nor am I "qualified" by any means to teach or instruct anyone anything about successful relationships (as most of my ex girlfriends will enthusiastically attest!!). I'm no expert or guru, nor am I anything remotely approaching perfect..and what's more, I'm currently single. Even still, I wanted to share my personal thoughts and opinions based on the knowledge I've gained through the aforementioned ways, missed opportunities, mistakes, and sometimes downright calamities, in the hope that it may be of some use to someone. Essentially, I'm telling you you have absolutely ZERO recourse for legal action against me if you try something from my blog that gets you a weekend exiled to your back porch, murmuring a constant stream of muffled I'm sorry's directed up at your bedroom window. With that said, for those of you who asked, I will do one more segment of--let me say this one last time--my OPINIONS! Okay then, let's get started..
One person who read my previous posts, sent me an email which said my blog was a real wake up call to her. This person went on to say that one of the things it did was to make her realize she had gotten lazy and she'd lost her passion. She told me she hadn't just lost her passion with her husband, but really, for everything. Sorry M, but to me this sounded ludicrous because you're nowhere near dead yet and really all it seems you need is that spark to reignite the fire and start doing what it takes to reinvigorate yourself and your husband. Someone else asked me, "Doesn't passion naturally fade away the longer you're together?"..that seemed so foreign a concept because to me, nothing could be further from the truth.
I have this deeply held belief that says passion, love, intimacy and YES, even great sex doesn't ever have to fade away. I believe that whether we have passion or not in our relationships/life is a choice we make in every moment (thanks, Inge, for reminding me of that!). To me, the question you need to continually be asking yourself is what are you doing in every moment of your relationship and life.. is it bringing you closer to, or further from what you want? For many people, they've lost their fire, their drive and they're just going through the motions in their life. To me, this is like dying while you're still alive. I'm not interested in that, nor do I have the time for wastefulness and negativity (I'm gettin' too old for that crap). Honestly, I say give me passion, a zest for life, an incredible woman, some really good music, food and the occasional vacation chucked in there for good measure..to me, that's happiness!
I have this deeply held belief that says passion, love, intimacy and YES, even great sex doesn't ever have to fade away. I believe that whether we have passion or not in our relationships/life is a choice we make in every moment (thanks, Inge, for reminding me of that!). To me, the question you need to continually be asking yourself is what are you doing in every moment of your relationship and life.. is it bringing you closer to, or further from what you want? For many people, they've lost their fire, their drive and they're just going through the motions in their life. To me, this is like dying while you're still alive. I'm not interested in that, nor do I have the time for wastefulness and negativity (I'm gettin' too old for that crap). Honestly, I say give me passion, a zest for life, an incredible woman, some really good music, food and the occasional vacation chucked in there for good measure..to me, that's happiness!
In the upcoming post, we'll get down and dirty as to some of my thoughts on how to transition from here to there. From simply going through the motions to reigniting the passion in yourself..and how making that change in yourself positively effects and attracts your significant other.
Talk to you soon..
Friday, October 8, 2010
Enough is Enough; Part 2: You disgust me!
Not surprisingly, as of August 23rd, 2010, the United States continues its reign of beating out every other country in the world, that's # 1 out of the current 195, for having the highest rate of divorce. Put another way, the US has once again proven itself to be the laziest country on earth.
People in industrialized nations have been lulled into becoming a "reset" or "throw away" society. Is your electric can opener on the fritz? Chuck it and head to walmart! Is your relationship not perfect or experiencing a normal cyclical dip? Push reset and find a new mate! Has your Grandma's decline in health become an inconvenience to the family? Club Nanna over the head like a baby seal and--I think you get the picture. The point is, the most rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling things in life are things we earn, that take time, or that we've worked hard to achieve. It's a verifiable and incontrovertible fact that major lottery winners are 10 times more likely to become depressed (and broke within 5 years of their win), than those of their peers who have earned the same amount of money. Can you imagine how different life would be had people like Martin Luther King Jr., Fanny Wright, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama decided to tuck tail and run at the the first (second, third, fourth..) sign that things weren't going their way? Thank God for their resiliency and commitment! So, should you blindly stay in a dangerous relationship simply because MLK persevered in the face of constant death threats? Only if you're a moron! What I'm saying is relationships, like anything else that's fulfilling, takes commitment and work..lots of it. It's easy to spot the lazy people because they're the first to respond with, "What about all the people who are in happy relationships that don't have to work at it?" or "Maybe a happy relationship shouldn't be so much work"..to this, I can only shake my head in wonder and ask..Really? Can you introduce me to the robot community of couples you're referring to? NO relationship or person is perfect. NO relationship is without ups and downs. NO commitment should be/can be disposable. There is a term in metal working known as tempering. Tempering is the process of changing a relatively soft steel into a super strong, long lasting metal by heating it to just before its melting point then rapidly cooling it down, which is done several times, and each time the steel becomes increasingly stronger. The obvious correlation is that yes, you should experience wonderful ups and be generally happy in a relationship, but it's the downs and working together through these times which temper a relationship and give it its endurable strength.
As I've mentioned above, and throughout my previous blog posts, there are a handful of reasons in which you're an idiot if you don't immediately end a relationship for good. Beyond those, the decision should be based on whether your partner is able and willing to do the repair work with you. However, (and I'm mainly speaking to women here because men are especially dense and may require a second, maybe even a third chance at redemption on any one particular mistake or area) no one should accept a partner who continually makes the same mistake, over and over. And (I'm mainly talking to the guys here because women can be shortsighted to just how incredibly stupid and dense we can be when it comes to finally "getting it") never should your partners concerns or feelings be taken lightly or for granted. If you're walking on eggshells, then either you're obviously in a situation where you feel a beating is a realistic response from your partner and you should stop reading this NOW and leave, or, you are allowing yourself to take the backseat in the relationship--get off your ass and the eggshells, grow a backbone, realize that tough times aren't just hard or unpleasant for you, and more than likely, your partner feels just as sad, helpless, worried, or on eggshells as you. It may sound unfair, but as much as you'd like for your partner to be the one to change the situation, regardless of who you feel is at fault, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and "be the change you want to see".
The fact of the matter is, there is no magic check list or fairy tale formula that you can go by in determining whether to stay or to leave. In researching this very topic, I came across many relationship success stories of people who took some seriously bitter lemons, (and I mean BITTER!) and not only made lemonade, but are deliriously happy and admit it wouldn't have happened otherwise. Admittedly, as I read some of the horror stories of what these couples went through to achieve their ultimate happiness and fortitude, I found myself questioning whether I would have continued if in their shoes. The best thing for anyone to do in this situation is to be realistic, (and unless you're as intuitive as a bowling ball) use common sense and your gut-feeling and ask yourself is there enough love left in you. If yes, then have an honest to god conversation with your partner, after which, you'll have a pretty good idea whether things are salvageable.
As this is more than likely my last post of this blog--I too have to start living and putting this stuff into practice at some point, not just dispense it to you guys--I'll wish you the very best, and happiness! Lastly, I'd like to leave you with something a friend of mine said to me recently in an email..
"...People always think they will be happier once they....find a mate, find some money, find a job and on and on. That is a choice you make - daily! The reality is relationships are fickle. Like I tell my kids and hubby, love isn't as much a feeling as it is a decision. I choose to love you. I decided a few years back that I was going to love people, especially my family, to their core, no matter what! You can't give away what you don't have so that's why it's so important to me to have a lot of love inside..."
People in industrialized nations have been lulled into becoming a "reset" or "throw away" society. Is your electric can opener on the fritz? Chuck it and head to walmart! Is your relationship not perfect or experiencing a normal cyclical dip? Push reset and find a new mate! Has your Grandma's decline in health become an inconvenience to the family? Club Nanna over the head like a baby seal and--I think you get the picture. The point is, the most rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling things in life are things we earn, that take time, or that we've worked hard to achieve. It's a verifiable and incontrovertible fact that major lottery winners are 10 times more likely to become depressed (and broke within 5 years of their win), than those of their peers who have earned the same amount of money. Can you imagine how different life would be had people like Martin Luther King Jr., Fanny Wright, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama decided to tuck tail and run at the the first (second, third, fourth..) sign that things weren't going their way? Thank God for their resiliency and commitment! So, should you blindly stay in a dangerous relationship simply because MLK persevered in the face of constant death threats? Only if you're a moron! What I'm saying is relationships, like anything else that's fulfilling, takes commitment and work..lots of it. It's easy to spot the lazy people because they're the first to respond with, "What about all the people who are in happy relationships that don't have to work at it?" or "Maybe a happy relationship shouldn't be so much work"..to this, I can only shake my head in wonder and ask..Really? Can you introduce me to the robot community of couples you're referring to? NO relationship or person is perfect. NO relationship is without ups and downs. NO commitment should be/can be disposable. There is a term in metal working known as tempering. Tempering is the process of changing a relatively soft steel into a super strong, long lasting metal by heating it to just before its melting point then rapidly cooling it down, which is done several times, and each time the steel becomes increasingly stronger. The obvious correlation is that yes, you should experience wonderful ups and be generally happy in a relationship, but it's the downs and working together through these times which temper a relationship and give it its endurable strength.
As I've mentioned above, and throughout my previous blog posts, there are a handful of reasons in which you're an idiot if you don't immediately end a relationship for good. Beyond those, the decision should be based on whether your partner is able and willing to do the repair work with you. However, (and I'm mainly speaking to women here because men are especially dense and may require a second, maybe even a third chance at redemption on any one particular mistake or area) no one should accept a partner who continually makes the same mistake, over and over. And (I'm mainly talking to the guys here because women can be shortsighted to just how incredibly stupid and dense we can be when it comes to finally "getting it") never should your partners concerns or feelings be taken lightly or for granted. If you're walking on eggshells, then either you're obviously in a situation where you feel a beating is a realistic response from your partner and you should stop reading this NOW and leave, or, you are allowing yourself to take the backseat in the relationship--get off your ass and the eggshells, grow a backbone, realize that tough times aren't just hard or unpleasant for you, and more than likely, your partner feels just as sad, helpless, worried, or on eggshells as you. It may sound unfair, but as much as you'd like for your partner to be the one to change the situation, regardless of who you feel is at fault, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and "be the change you want to see".
The fact of the matter is, there is no magic check list or fairy tale formula that you can go by in determining whether to stay or to leave. In researching this very topic, I came across many relationship success stories of people who took some seriously bitter lemons, (and I mean BITTER!) and not only made lemonade, but are deliriously happy and admit it wouldn't have happened otherwise. Admittedly, as I read some of the horror stories of what these couples went through to achieve their ultimate happiness and fortitude, I found myself questioning whether I would have continued if in their shoes. The best thing for anyone to do in this situation is to be realistic, (and unless you're as intuitive as a bowling ball) use common sense and your gut-feeling and ask yourself is there enough love left in you. If yes, then have an honest to god conversation with your partner, after which, you'll have a pretty good idea whether things are salvageable.
As this is more than likely my last post of this blog--I too have to start living and putting this stuff into practice at some point, not just dispense it to you guys--I'll wish you the very best, and happiness! Lastly, I'd like to leave you with something a friend of mine said to me recently in an email..
"...People always think they will be happier once they....find a mate, find some money, find a job and on and on. That is a choice you make - daily! The reality is relationships are fickle. Like I tell my kids and hubby, love isn't as much a feeling as it is a decision. I choose to love you. I decided a few years back that I was going to love people, especially my family, to their core, no matter what! You can't give away what you don't have so that's why it's so important to me to have a lot of love inside..."
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