Just as I suspected...

 

Better Sex Tips

As it turns out, monogamy isn't synonymous with monotony after all. In fact, a recent study shows that the time American couples spend inside the bedroom – or outside, in some cases – may be more thrilling than pop culture is letting on. The survey of more than 3,000 American adults, conducted this summer by the experts at Goodinbed.com, in partnership with K-Y Brand, indicates that most couples are more than willing to get adventurous between the sheets.

The survey says...

Top activities reported by the respondents include:

• Using a lubricant during sex (80.1%)
• Talking "dirty" during foreplay/sex (68.9%)
• Incorporating a device (e.g. vibrator) into sex (61.3%)
• Taking a chance of being seen or overheard (e.g. at a friend's house) (60.7%)
• Sharing fantasies with one another (56.4%)

We asked Good in Bed founder Dr. Ian Kerner about his thoughts on the survey results and how best to spice things up in the bedroom.

Background

How do you switch up your sex routine? By trying different positions Dressing up in lingerie or sexy costumes Strip tease Playing sexy games before View Results

In a survey conducted earlier this summer, Kerner and the team at Good In Bed learned that nearly 50 percent of couples believe trying something new in the bedroom would help get them out of their sexy-time rut. With those results in mind, they wanted to know more about what this "something new" could be, which brought them to the new survey surrounding sexual adventurousness.
"We were intrigued to learn that many American couples not only engage in activities previously viewed as taboo, like talking dirty, incorporating a device and sharing fantasies just to name a few, but that the frequency of this behavior is linked to how satisfied the couples are in their relationship," Kramer says. He adds that one of the most surprising findings was that women are more sexually adventurous than men.

Move over monotony

The idea that married or monogamous sex is boring is a myth, Kerner says: "I think the greatest take away from this survey is that monogamy isn't monotonous at all." Relationships aren't easy, but if you put the effort into keeping passion alive, you'll have a lot more fun. And by the looks of the survey results, couples are indeed putting in that effort.
"It was interesting to learn the time committed couples spend inside the bedroom is more thrilling than pop culture lets on, which is definitely a good thing," he says. The study found that the longer you're in a committed, long-term relationship, the more likely you are to engage in a variety of sexually adventurous activities. And the saucier you become, the more likely you are to be sexually satisfied and content in your relationship. So turn off the lights (or not) and get started!

Spiced up sex

If you feel your relationship needs a nudge where sexual satisfaction is concerned, Kerner says the first thing you need to do is start talking. "It may seem intimidating to share your desires between the sheets, but as this survey proves, your partner is ready and willing to make them happen – not only for your benefit, but for the benefit of the relationship overall."
Turning up the spiciness can be as simple as keeping the lights on or frequenting a different room in the house. If you want to take it to the next level, try incorporating something new like lubricant or an arousal gel, or get things really going by talking dirty during foreplay. Oh, don't forget the fail safe – wearing sexy lingerie. But make sure it's something you feel comfortable and sexy in. Here's to having more fun in the bedroom!

More about sex & love

4 Things he wants you to do in bed5 Days to hotter sex5 Tips for a sexed up relationship

Artist Chris Johnson talks about his life and work

Artist Chris Johnson talks about his life and work

American Artist Chris Johnson: A glimpse into his life and work

The following is an article by Jennifer Coffman; my friend and brilliant writer...

American Artist Chris Johnson: A glimpse into his life and work

Outcome Attachment: It's A Killer

I recently received this comment/question from a reader: 

"I am wholeheartedly and crazily in love with my best friend. He is amazing, like no man I have ever met. He challenges me positively, cares about me, supports me, and teases me endlessly. We have fun together, and have the same twisted sense of humor. I honestly think we have the same heart and mind. I've always thought the idea of a soul mate was silly, but it seems as though it might fit in this scenario. He is always on my mind, I am unable to lie to him(not that I'd want to- I am just at ease being honest with him always), and I love who I am with him. We are very close, and my gut tells me he feels the same, but perhaps is waiting on me to get the gumption up to let my guard down or something. It's difficult for me to believe that I could feel this strongly for him if it isn't what he is feeling. Besides, he is so insanely intuitive about me my guess is he already knows. I truly think i could love this man unconditionally, actually, i already do. Recently I feel as if I should tell him all this and let the chips fall where they may. If I am wrong, at least I will know and can lick my wounds and go about my business. Even though I think he feels the same, I still have doubts. I am extremely bold in every aspect of my life, except when it comes to matters of the heart. If I am wrong, it could possibly harm our deep friendship. If I am right, I forsee a beautiful, beautiful life. Do I tell him? Because this limbo is driving me insane. I want everything from this man, and want to be everything for him as well."

In the immortal words of the Beastie Boys:

"Now I got the gun you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can blow you away or you can ride with me"

Essentially, there's only two things you can do. The first of which is to say nothing and enjoy a wonderful, lifelong friendship. The other is to cross your fingers and profess your love to your friend.

Why cross your fingers? Unless I am mistaken, it sounds as though this friendship has some time under its belt. If that's the case, then hopes for elevating said friendship any higher, at this stage, is statistically against you. It's not impossible, but once you're in the "friends file", there's usually no escape. Something to consider is why hasn't this guy "manned up" and come forward? Unless he lacks a set of-- unless he lacks confidence, I mean, why has he remained silent? Again, unless I'm off, I'm guessing this guy is not meek, otherwise, you wouldn't be attracted to him. Personally speaking, when I initially spend time with someone, I know within 15 minutes whether they are someone I only see as a friend or whether I see them as potentially more. If it's the latter, then I make my intentions clear so there's no question about the direction I wish to take the relationship.

Perhaps your guy is fresh from flunking out of monk school and hasn't quite made the social transitions? I don't know, but I'm leery. However, just because he doesn't conform to the way I do things doesn't make him damaged or hopeless. Another thing to remember is I don't know your likes and dislikes, and maybe you do get all goo-goo and weak in the knees for the reticent, bashful, silent type? Again, I don't know. But the one thing I do know is that somewhere deep down inside of you you already know what the outcome will be if you profess your love to him. Question is, does the benefit outweigh the cost(s)? Is what you have now with him worth losing if the outcome isn't to your liking? And at best, will you be able to adapt and accept just a friendship in the face of unrequited love?

Don't listen to me. Listen, instead, to your brain (not your heart) it will be a much better guide because it already has all the facts you need for the answer you seek. But if you want to know a fantastic way to sabotage the outcome? Be dependent on success. Attach everything to the success of your performance. Attachment to the outcome – staking your self-esteem on your performance – will, undoubtedly, do you in. So, whichever way you end up going, just remember to relax..expecting a certain result when it comes to matters of someone else's heart is unreliable to say the least.

Best of luck!

76 Interesting Facts About Love and the Pursuit of

A few things I stumbled upon and thought you may get a kick out of...

Dating and Relationships

1. Couples usually wait until six to eight dates before they are willing to enter into an exclusive relationship.^c
2. Speed dating, invented by a rabbi from Los Angeles in 1999, is based on a Jewish tradition of chaperoned gatherings of young Jewish singles.^a
3. The most common time for breakups is around three to five months.^c

A couple will exchange house keys on an average of 12-14 dates

4. On average, it takes between 12 to 14 dates before couples will trade house keys.^c
5. One in three teenagers have experienced violence in a dating relationship.^o
6. In a survey conducted by MSNBC.com and Elle magazine, more than 31% of men said they dumped an overweight partner compared to 12% of women.^l
7. Women who post a photo on Internet dating sites receive twice as many email messages as women who don’t. The same study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 received 156% more email than those with $50,000.^d
8. Match.com reports that 44% of its members in the United States have children.^j
9. On free dating sites, at least 10% of new accounts are from scammers.ⁿ
10. If a man can’t decide what to wear on a date, he might want to wear blue. Studies show that women are attracted to men in blue.^r
11. Ninety-two percent of single parents would rather date other single parents.^m
12. Thirty-three percent of online daters form a relationship, 33% do not, and 33% give up.^o
13. The online dating industry generates $1.8 billion per year and the matchmaker/dating coach business generates $260 million per year in the United States.ⁿ
14. The third week in September is National Singles Week in the U.S.^f
15. According to the U.S. census, there are 95.9 million unmarried people in the U.S. of which 47% are men and 53% are women.^f
16. Researchers at the University of Chicago found that people were twice as likely to find a date through friends and family than through the bar scene.^m
17. Four out of 10 workplace dating relationships result in marriage.ⁱ

It only takes seconds to decide another person’s attractiveness

18. Psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania studied data from over 10,000 speed daters and found that most people make a decision regarding a person’s attraction within three seconds of meeting.^l
19. One Manhattan matchmaker’s price begins at $20,000. If a match (marriage) results, a marriage bonus is expected.^m
20. At 4M Multimillionaire Matchmaking Club based in Seattle, WA, clients are men who have made millions but are still single. The matchmaking service charges between $10,000 and $30,000 for men. Women pay around $250 to be listed as potential partners.^m
21. In the online dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone “fat.” According to Ann Rule, about 3% of men are psychopaths, of which only a tiny percentage are serial killers.ⁱ
22. In a survey of 5,000 singles conducted by Match.com, 43% said fresh breath mattered the most before a date, 17% said stylish clothes, 15% said sexy fragrance, 14% said good skin, and 10% said great hair.^r
23. Typically, dating specialists suggest waiting until the third date to cook someone dinner at home.^m
24. Nearly 40% of men do not feel confident meeting a woman for the first time.^r
25. Immediately after Tiger Wood’s affairs became public, men looking for discreet relationships on BeNaughty.com dropped by 47.5%.^g
26. During the early twentieth century, dating evolved out of a courtship ritual where young women entertained male callers under the watch of a chaperone. By the 1960s and 1970s, “hooking up” increasingly replaced dating, mainly because the age at which people marry for the first time had begun creeping up.^p
27. Studies show that schools, colleges, coffee shops, and malls are all excellent places to flirt because people are more open to meeting others in these places. Poor locations are restaurants and movie theaters.^m
28. Studies show that before a man even speaks a word, the way he stands (whether he is slouching or not) counts for over 80% of woman’s first impression.^r

Happy people attract more dates

29. Studies show that happiness is contagious and that potential dates find it hard to walk away from happy people. One of the biggest turn-offs during a date is negativity.^m
30. Studies show that men are put off by groups of loud women. If a woman wants to get a date, she should break away from a loud group to give a man a chance to approach her.^q
31. Mirroring, or repeating someone’s body language, often impresses a date because it subtly conveys interest to the other person. One should avoid copying every move, however.^k
32. Body language studies show that revealing areas of the body that aren’t usually on display (such as the inner wrist, the inside of the upper arm, ankles, feet, inside calf muscle, and the nape of the neck) has an immediate effect on a date and shows an instant liking.^k
33. If you want to create an instant link with a date, say his or her name at least twice in the conversation. This shows attentiveness and connectiveness.^l
34. Studies show that remembering bits of information about a person and working them into conversations not only is highly flattering but also shows interest.ⁱ
35. Bad breath and bad teeth are an instant turn-off for potential dates. If deep dental cleaning doesn’t improve a person’s breath, he or she could have a stomach bacterium called H. pylori, which causes bad breath.^r
36. Research has confirmed that women are more attracted to men who wear pheromone-based colognes or aftershaves such as 10X. Studies have also shown that women, who have a stronger sense of smell than men, are particularly attracted to musk and black licorice smells.^r
37. Body type is important in attracting a date. Studies show that overweight individuals were perceived less favorably than thin or muscular people. Thin individuals were perceived as intelligent but fearful, and muscular individuals were perceived as being healthy, brave, and good looking.^r
38. Top ten turn-offs for women include cystic acne, raggedy nails, flatulence and belching, missing teeth, body odor, bad breath, hairy nostrils, “man boobs,” “goofy” glasses, and hair “mistakes.”^r
39. Depending on the type of women a man would like to meet, he should visit that type of clothing store. For example, if a man likes “outdoorsy” women, he should go to an outdoor clothing store.^l
40. When a man first approaches a woman, she will base 55% of her initial impression of him on his appearance and body language, 38% on his style of speaking, and 7% on what he actually says.^r
41. If a group of women are standing together but their eyes are wandering, they are likely to be looking for guys. If they each take a turn to break away from the group to head to the bathroom alone, they are on the prowl. If they are huddled together giggling, they are usually not interested in finding men.^q

A woman will express interest in her date in several subtle ways

42. If a woman is interested in her date, she will often smile at his jokes, play with her hair, fidget with an object such as a glass, blush when he pays her a compliment, pout or pucker her mouth, stumble over words, or lean in towards him.^r
43. Signs that a woman is not interested in her date include avoiding eye contact, faking a smile or not smiling, leaning away, answering in monosyllables, sagging her shoulders, looking at her watch, tapping her foot, or staring blankly.^r
44. Beautiful women typically get more stares, winks, and harassment than average-looking women do, but they are also less likely to get asked out by average-looking men because those men tend to be intimated by them.^r
45. The appropriate time to call after meeting a man or woman is hotly debated among dating experts. Typically, the ideal time to wait to call is two to four days, though no longer than four to five days. Calling too soon can appear desperate.^l
46. Choosing exciting places for a first date increases the chances of the other person falling for you. There is a definitive link between danger and physical/romantic attraction.^k
47. Worst places to go on first date include fast-food restaurants, your kids’ birthday party or school play, your parents’ house, strip clubs, X-rated films or swingers parties, a party where your ex will be, church activities, or window shopping.^k
48. Dating specialists suggest that if a woman doesn’t return a call after two messages, she is not interested.^r
49. If a woman offers to pay for everything, chances are she isn’t that into the date. There’s an unspoken understanding that a man paying for everything is a form of “copulatory gift,” which is almost universal in all animal species.^r
50. Eye contact, or a “copulatory gaze,” is a primary and powerful tool for attracting a potential date for both men and women. However, the meaning of various types of eye contact differs from culture to culture.^l
51. Statistics show that trying to get a relationship to work with an ex doesn’t usually work. The case where it might work is if there were extenuating circumstances of the breakup, such as one of couple had been going through a family tragedy or moved.^l
52. In American society, when a man offers his date his palm face up, he is most likely deeply attracted to the woman. In fact, a human’s brain is wired to respond to hand gestures and hand shapes, though the brain’s response depends on the man or woman’s culture and ethnicity.^l
53. Research shows that men know they’re falling in love after just three dates, but women don’t fall in love until date 14.^c

An average couple will kiss on the second date

54. On average, daters will kiss on the second date.^c
55. A recent AOL survey says that 40% of women view an appropriate time frame to wait for sex as being one to three months, while 35% of men think the third date is fine. On average, couples have sex within about four to six dates.^h
56. Twenty-nine percent of Americans have had sex on the first date.^h
57. It is hard for a man to strike up a conversation if there are just two women at a social scene because he doesn’t want the other friend to feel abandoned. So a woman who is looking to attract a date should bring two “wing women” with her.^q
58. Talking to a bartender makes a woman seem more friendly and makes it easier for a guy to jump in on her conversation.^q
59. A woman can increase the likelihood of a man approaching her if she uncrosses her arms, makes subtle eye contact, and smiles.^q
60. Italian food is one of the most popular restaurants for a first date.^b
61. Twenty to 40 million Americans have used online dating services. Nearly 50% of online daters are aged 18-34 and 24% are 35-44.^e
62. On average, there are 86 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women in the U.S., though the actual numbers vary according to region.^f
63. New York and Washington have the most state residents who are unmarried, 50% and 70%, respectively. Idaho and Utah have the most state residents who are married, 60% and 59%.^f
64. Approximately 48% of online daters reported that their breakups occurred via email.^e
65. On Match.com, 132 million winks are sent out each year and members go out on a six million dates per year.^j
66. eHarmony.com boasts that 236 of its members marry each day, accounting for 2% of U.S. marriages.^d
67. “Desperate” daters are typically always available, are clingy, need constant relationship status updates, fish for compliments, drop their standards, and rationalize bad treatment.^r

Over half of all singles in America have not had a date in over two years

68. Over 50% of all singles in America have not had a date in more than two years.^o
69. Five types of women that men tend to avoid are serial flirters, someone who talks about marriage too soon, clingy women, the party-girl, and a woman who talks too much or is drama queen.^l
70. Four common date blunders include showing up late, talking about yourself too much, revealing too much about your ex, and an obvious over-eagerness.^l
71. A man’s top dating fears include that a woman will come between him and his friends, won’t allow him free time, will turn out to be a stalker, won’t respect him, or will be too high maintenance.^m
72. Five common signs a man may be cheating in a relationship are that he accuses his partner of cheating, he’s extremely vague, he seems to be compensating by acting extra nice for no reason, he’s always at work, and his partner's friends drop her hints.^l
73. The curve of the counter in a bar is designed so other customers can easily “check out” other customers. Bars also purposely place mirrors to help create a larger sense of place and to allow a person to scope out other people behind them.^q
74. Signs that a man is about to break up with a woman include that he spends less time with her, he is no longer romantic, passionate kissing turns into quick pecks (particularly no kiss during sex), he fantasizes about someone else during sex, he pats her during a hug, and he tries to start fights.^l
75. An attractive online “About Me” section in your online dating profile often includes a brief description of what you are passionate about or thankful for, a couple of things your friends say about you, qualities you are looking for in a potential partner, the first thing people notice about you (other than appearance), how you spend your leisure time, five things you can’t live without, and the latest good book you’ve read.ⁱ
76. Humans like mystery and “the chase,” so don't be too “available” to a date. Dating experts typically suggest not sleeping too early with a date because the longer the chase, the more likely love will blossom.

Choosing The Right Dog/Woman

Heads

Deciding what kind of dog to get is as important as deciding whether to get a dog in the first place. The AKC recognizes over 160 different breeds of dog, and each of these breeds has its own unique temperament, appearance, activity level and set of needs. You should do some serious and careful research to determine which breed of dog is right for you and/or your family. Here are some things to consider:


You're going to be living with this dog for a long time, so you need to make sure it has a personality you can live with. Do you want a dog that is active, or subdued? A dog that is easily trained, or strong-willed? A dog that is friendly to everyone it meets, or one that is loyal to family but aloof toward strangers? A dog that needs a lot of attention from family members, and lots of activity to prevent him from becoming bored and destructive, or a dog that is content to be left alone for periods of time during the day?

A very important fact to remember is that the breed of dog you pick doesn't ensure you a perfect fit. More importantly is the manner in which you portray yourself at the the time of the initial meeting and during the ensuing days as you and your pup or dog settle in. 

Tails

The same can also be said when preparing to procure a human mate/significant other. Special attention should be given to a potential mate insofar as her breeding, temperament, loyalty, level of amorousness, among other things, and above all, her capacity for commitment longevity--if that's your intended expectation. After all, if you've matured past the point of bar-hopping and clubbing, or perhaps desperately needing the validation of, or acceptance into certain social groups (ie. climbing the social ladder) isn't big on your list, then picking someone for whom these are big priorities probably wouldn't be the most prudent decision on your part...regardless of how good they look. Looks, although, important, should never be an absolute deterrent or a priority which resides at the top of your list (unless you're shallow, in which case, have at it).

Most of these things can be discerned within the first two meetings by simply being a good listener. Being a good listener, consequently, does not mean hearing what is being said without being caught checking out the ass of the person(s) walking by, nor does it mean formulating a witty or funny response to what is being said while it's being said. Thoughtfully listening to the words and the manner of their delivery is not only respectful, but it's also the only way you're going to learn the good stuff..the unsaid stuff. Paying close attention to the body language that accompanies the words will pay dividends in the long run; any gesture that attempts to cover or hide the face/mouth/eyes and/or if their eyes track up and to the left while speaking indicates that what is being said is either a version of the truth or a complete fabrication of it. If, however, you're not practiced in the art of deception detection, just trust your "gut" feeling. Just as in picking out a puppy, you are there for a reason and every effort should be given to getting at the core of the person across from you in order to ascertain whether they meet your criteria; not doing this justice will only serve to prolong a situation which is inevitably doomed.

Both Sides of the Coin

Either way, the decision you make will impact your future in a very big way, and as such, much respect should be given to the brevity of the task at hand. *By the way, choosing either a dog or a female partner (or male, depending on your gender or taste) out of a desire to ease the pain of losing your previous companion, or simply making a rash decision, is not only shortchanging your grieving process, but also incredibly apathetic and dishonest to the woman (or man) or dog you're attempting to acquire. In any event, do the necessary work prior to the day of the meeting so that you can give yourself and your new companion the best possible chance for a long, successful and happy partnership.

Best of luck..to both of you. And happy hunting!

Parodox of Choice

"In 2006, Nokia alone released 39 new mobile phone models. It would be
a very complicated task to effectively list all of all the mobile devices that could be used for mobile
commerce purposes."

There are 23 types of Pill (oral contraception) for women.

There are roughly 7849 vehicle manufactures globally who have already produced 23, 587, 484 vehicles this year (rolling out 1 completed vehicle every second).



Never before has humankind been confronted with such a staggering abundance of options and variety, of anything, ever. Did you know that the average U.S. grocery store devotes 5 1/2 feet by 12 feet of shelving space for toothpaste alone? If Earth is ever threatened by a hostile, superior alien race, all that's required to have them screaming back to their home planet faster than the speed of light would be to send them to your local grocery store with the following list of items to pick up: Toilet Paper, Tampons, Laundry Detergent, Cereal, Yogurt. B-bye, Klingons!

With such a vast array of options available in just about everything imaginable, the people alive today, by far, are the most happy and content generation since Adam & Eve. Or are we? Well, actually, happiness in the U.S. seems to have hit its peak in the mid 1950's and has been on a steady decline ever since. How is that possible? The reason is because how much we value things depends on what we compare them to. Some of you may recall a time when the phone company leased you (and everyone else) the same phone in one of two colors; they worked perfectly, were never misplaced or accidentally run through the washing machine, were virtually bomb proof, and no one ever gave them a second thought. But, when you are faced with lots of options, it's easy to imagine the attractive features of the alternatives you reject, which,  makes you less satisfied with the alternative that you have chosen. The cost of opportunity (cost of choice) subtracts from the satisfaction we get out of what we choose even when what we choose is terrific.

The fact of the matter is we have been conditioned to expect an endless variety of things at our fingertips that, for the most part, are purposefully manufactured to be dispensable; cheaper to replace than to repair. Sadly, the repercussions of our hyper-consumerism lifestyle has effected more than just the environment, our happiness, and our pocketbooks...it's leeched into our relationships. Don't believe me? What was the divorce rate/disengagement %'s for 2010 again? Think about that the next time you start craving a younger, newer model just because the one you currently have isn't running quite as perfectly as the day it rolled onto the showroom floor. Happy shopping, everyone!

Short And Oh So Sweet

I had planned on doing a entire post on how to recognize when it's time to say "uncle", however, I think this sums it up nicely.


Enough said..

Unfamiliar Territory, Knee Jerks and One Thing

NOTE: Apparently it is customary for blog authors to change the names of the innocent, or in this case the not so innocent, to protect their anonymity. I mention this because "Ted" would probably feel like an even bigger schmuck if his peers and the wider world knew his true identity and as such, for the remainder of this entry, "Ted" it is.

So, from the outset, I will tell you that I've known this guy Ted for a while now and all in all he seems to be a decent, responsible, level-headed guy who as a kid probably never stomped on any anthills or microwaved any cats. In short, I would feel comfortable leaving my kids in his care, that is, if I had kids. Like me, Ted is a bachelor by choice, but he isn't indifferent to finding someone he's compatible with. Ted is usually a cool cucumber when it comes to dating and is hard to read either way on the subject. Personally I think that's just because there's been little for him to be excited about. However, it seems Ted met someone, or was in the process of meeting someone, for whom he was audibly geeked and excited about getting to know. Fast forward to today...

Yeah, Ted's not so geeked anymore. Although the conversation I had with Ted was scattered and difficult to understand, I did manage to gather that he had made a date with someone and was obviously looking forward to it, but on the evening of his date he managed to fall asleep while waiting for the time to pass until he had to get ready and effectively slept right through it. He said he woke in a "you have got to be shi***** me!" panic and immediately contacted his date to apologize (I'm guessing more like begged for mercy!) and tried to convey to her how horrible he felt as this was completely out of character for him. I'm proud of Ted for telling her the truth because it would have been very easy to tell her his mom just drove off a cliff or he fell down a drainage shaft or something. I mean, who wants to hear that the reason you got stood-up was because they fell asleep on you?!

Again, Ted's a decent guy so I feel for him and I hope he can sort things out with said girl. Whether he does or doesn't is another story, but the fact that he found himself in unfamiliar territory got me thinking what would I do if I were in his shoes, or for that matter, her shoes even. I'm sure I'd probably do some heavy grovelling too if I were him, but the flip side is not so easy to reconnoiter. What would I do? I guess my knee-jerk answer would be to put them in the past and move on. Of course, it's no secret that I'm a softy, so if a no-show was immediately followed up by a sincere, genuine apology and a strong desire to provide restitution, I'm fairly certain I'd fold like a lawn chair. Besides, I believe a person gains more, becomes more through absolution than they do through condemnation.

I guess, with a birthday looming, I'm officially getting old and I thought that was a bad thing. However, more and more I'm finding that age and wisdom far outweigh the exuberance and agility of youth. In fact, I think I'm going to like it here in middle age. So Ted, God bless your heart, thank you for your screw-up because it provided me with a window into my ever evolving self and a chance to add humility and absolution to my personal repertoire.

Side Note: (but relevant) I have music playing in the background and despite the fact that I do not believe anyone really knows what the hell Finger Eleven is talking about in their song, "One Thing", maybe it was deliberately vague, not unlike some forms of art, so that you can imply your own adjective or situation and gain an ah-ha from it. Or, conversely, maybe the band just got incredibly stoned and wrote down a bunch of nonsense and idiots like me give them Buddha-like credit for nothing. Either way, thanks to Ted and his train wreck and the ensuing introspection, I do believe the song is more poignant than ever and has duly been added below for Ted and his date. You kids enjoy...

Sometimes Not

PART I:

I'm an artist and as you may or may not know, art can be a messy endeavor. I've subsisted on old work clothes as my art duds for years now, but jeans only last through so many wash and dry cycles before they no longer have the will to go on as viable clothing. So, I bought myself a pair of denim bib-overalls. I've never had a more versatile piece of clothing in my life! I love these things. However, not ever owning a pair before, I didn't realize having the straps a bit too tight would cause my nipples to be rubbed raw..ouch. Solution: apply two knuckle band aids (hourglass shape) and voila! Problem solved.

 PART 2:

I had a date later that night so I did a quick cleaning of the house, ran some errands and came home to get ready. I laid out my clothes, removed the protective band aids from my chest and jumped in the shower. Call me a girl if you wish, but I have a habit of applying lotion, head to toe, after I shower. I finished my lotion ritual and looked into the mirror as I started to brush my teeth and...HOLY SHIT!!! (it's probably a good idea to interject at this point the fact that earlier in the day I had spent 20 minutes in a tanning bed) I was staring at my reflection and I now possessed semi permanent, hourglass shaped nipple cones/cups! Reeeeal smooth, Jackass!

Moral of the story: Sometimes only PB & J go together like PB&J.

Merry Christmas?

I sincerely hope you thoroughly enjoy the time you spend with your family and loved ones during this holiday season. Not to get all Halmarky on you, but ever since the truth about Santa was revealed to us as children, being able to fully experience the "magic" of Christmas has been, well, illusive at best. Let's face it, for a lot of us just trying to make it through the holidays can be such a monumental task that it should be considered for the next winter olympics. Which is all the more reason to continually remind ourselves to live in the moment and really try to look for and enjoy the small things that so often get overlooked during the 100 yard holiday dash.

A recent study showed that Thanksgiving to New Years is the most stressful time of the year. The study went on to say, contrary to the popular misconception, that the holidays actually reeks havoc on all but the strongest relationships and marriages. So much for it being the most wonderful time of the year, huh?

Now, there's all kinds of things which can factor into holiday stress, such as: finances, lack of time, pressure of living up to the super mom/Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart persona, etc. Maybe your holiday consists of you being made to endure hours of confinement with a National Lampoons-like, family from hell. Maybe your significant other was the only member of his/her family to obtain an education level higher than a G.E.D., and the one skill for which her parents actually deserve an honorary PhD for is smoking pot..(incidentally, a skill/hobby which maybe overshadowed--killed, really--your asking their permission to marry their daughter!). And maybe the level of class among your partner's family stops just before better judgment would normally dictate the refraining of parents discussing their personal sexual relationship and their daughters' sexual relationships with everyone in attendance (within earshot of minors) and during the Christmas/Thanksgiving meal, no less. Perhaps it's not unheard of for things to get so juvenile and out of hand that the highlight of the festivities is your partner's mother being dealt a broken rib by her wonderful and loving offspring. Heck, I don't know, maybe for you, all that sounds like a Norman Rockwell holiday gathering. 

The point I'm reaching for is regardless of the annually occurring nightmare/stress you're accustom to--although it may seem an impossibility--pay close attention and really watch for those small, overlooked smiles, gestures, kind words, or thoughtful glances which could turn your usual holiday debacle into a mini holiday miracle. For that matter, armed with your positive holiday self-affirmations and new found good will, perpetrate these niceties on your family (yes, that includes your in-laws!) and stay positive. I think you may just be surprised as to the ripple effect it causes, not to mention, the warm retrospective memories you'll be able to carry with you into the 2011 holiday season.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But above all, I sincerely hope you experience the "magic" of the holidays!

Love Never Fails, But You Do. Don't: Here's The Scoop

Now that you have established upward mobility in your relationship, continue the same positive and renewed enthusiasm for your partner. It is incredibly important, especially in today's hectic world, to make it priority one to continually show your partner how much they mean to you and that your recent effort wasn't just a flash in the pan. Think about it, in just a handful of years it will just be the two of you..do you want your partner dreading that milestone, or excitedly anticipating it? Especially now, but also when the kids are gone and the smoke has cleared, make sure she knows there's no one else in the world you'd rather share your life with.

I have compiled a list of things for you to do as a way to show how much you care, how much you think about them, and how much they mean to you. Some are my personal ideas and some I stole. Regardless, if you only do one of the things from the list below a month, you will still be miles ahead of the average person in a relationship, which will automatically set you apart from the rest of your partner's coworker's/friend's dead-beat significant others. And in doing so, you will make your partner feel proud and happy to be with you..which earns you big time bonus points and a desire in your partner to somehow reciprocate ; ) Remember, you can't be an a-hole all the time and every once in a while chuck one of these ideas at her and expect her to treat you like you're the man of her dreams. Everyone has off days, but always repair any negativity, grumpiness, or small mistakes you make ASAP, and leave the big mistakes/huge arguments to other couples!

A few words of caution: some of the things are meant to be done with much fanfare, while others will have a much more meaningful and greater effect if done without any at all..don't come off as a pompous romeo asshole if she's had a hard day and you're trying to cheer her up, etc.  Also, I could give a sh-- less if you don't get along with your partner's family/friends or if they don't like you! Just swallow your pride because you WILL need them to pull off several of these things. Besides, the fact that you enlisted their help or knowledge, especially if things with them aren't ideal, will mean just as much to your partner as the gift/getaway/etc itself..if not more!!

Again, make it a priority to show your partner A LOT how much they mean to you. Have fun doing the things from the list below and don't be shy about adding your own ideas. In fact, I'd love it if you emailed or commented to me your ideas so I can add it to the next list, and also let me know how your partner reacts to each idea you try.

Enjoy!...



If you are artistically inclined, do a life drawing course, practice until you are confident and then ask your partner to pose for you.

Pick your partner up for a date and blindfold her before driving to a special destination. Try to make the destination something really unexpected like a table set up at the top of a cliff or a dinner on a boat or old-fashioned ship. It needs to be something that will have an impact when she removes the blindfold.

Create a loving nickname for your partner. This could be the name she was called by her family when she was a little girl or something that is special just for the two of you.

On Thursday, ask your partner to pack a bag for the weekend. Tell her she'll need casual clothes and walking shoes but don't tell her what you have got planned. Pick her up after work on Friday and drive to a romantic bed and breakfast for a romantic weekend of relaxation.

Research your partner's favorite hobby and identify a gift that is really useful for her. The more specialized the gift the more impact it will have. Talk to her friends and family and use the internet to find the information you need.

Find out in advance what kind of weekend getaways your partner would enjoy. If you have kids, arrange for them to stay at their grandparents for the weekend. Come home early Friday to pack your partner's bag (dear God make sure you know what she'd pack..if you have any doubts, enlist the help of one of her good friends, or pack EVERYTHING!), then show up outside her work at five o'clock (4:45) to drive her to your destination.

Send your partner a thank-you note. For example:
Dear Bec,
Thanks for helping me move house.
Having you there made a huge difference.
I really appreciate your help and your love.
Love Tim

Even if you are just going down the road to buy some milk, act as though you are returning home after a major adventure. Say something like, "Well it was touch and go there for a while with the snow and the wolves but I made it and I am so happy to see you!" and then give your partner a huge bear hug.

Buy a gift voucher for a facial at a local beauty clinic and place it in a card accompanied by the message,
A special treat for
someone special

Better yet, if you can afford it, buy a head to toe spa package for two (for her and her best friend). Set it up with her friend to "take her for a quick manicure" (also give her friend a dinner outfit for your partner to change into afterwords) then be there to pick her up after her spa treatment to whisk her away to dinner.

Arrange a special day off from work. Start with breakfast, go for a walk in the park, go shopping, have afternoon tea in a cozy cafe and finish off with a romantic dinner.


Compliment your partner in public (any chance you get!). If you are talking in a group and it is appropriate to the conversation say something like, "Kate makes the most incredible roast." Squeeze her hand while you are talking about her.


Share your food with your partner. When you go out for a meal, hold a forkful up to her mouth and say, "You've got to try this." Sharing your food and even feeding each other is a great way to become closer as a couple.


Create a personalized magazine cover for your partner. To do this, get hold of a good quality photo of her and a copy of a popular entertainment magazine. Take these two items to a print shop or graphic design agency. Ask them to scan your partner's photo and develop a magazine cover with the lead story being, "The 30 most beautiful women of 2010". When you get the cover, stick it on the front of a real magazine and have it sealed in plastic. Put that days mail on top of the magazine where she'll see it.

Ahead of time, find out her favorite movies, or a list of movies she's always wanted to see (make sure one of them is "An Affair To Remember"). Buy some popcorn, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries and have a special film night at home.

When you are having dinner one night, ask your partner about the things she has always wanted to do. Later on, write these things down so you don't forget them and over time try and help make them happen. For example she may say that one thing she has always wanted to do is swim with dolphins or take a pottery class. Find out where she can do this and organize it for her as a special surprise.

When your partner is sick at home, take a day off to look after her. Rent some videos, make her some soup, wrap her up in a blanket and just be with her.

Speak to your partner's family and find out what her favorite book was when she was a little girl. Buy a copy of the book and read it to her in bed.

Buy a box of chocolates/candies and very carefully open one side of the plastic wrap so that you can gently slide the box out. Open the box and place a love note inside. Then slide the box back into its plastic wrap and reseal it.

Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it made in the shape of a heart and spell out I LOVE YOU in her favorite topping before it is delivered to your home. It may cost a little extra, but so what!

Photocopy your hand and fax/email a copy of it to your partner at work with a message saying, "Wanna hold hands?"

When your partner is having a shower or bath, take her towel and place it in the dryer to make it really warm and then wrap her up in it when she is done.

Buy a book that you and your partner are both interested in reading, or a book you've read that you think she'll really enjoy. Read one chapter each night in bed with each of you taking turns to read out loud. This can be a great alternative to television.

When your partner is sitting at a table or desk, come up behind him or her and give her a back, shoulder and head massage. Finish with a gentle kiss on the cheek..and leave it at that!

Organize a hot air ballooning trip as a special surprise. Most trips begin with a glass of champagne before you float over the countryside with your partner.

Buy or create some love coupons that your partner can exchange for romantic favors.
For example you could have a coupon that reads
This coupon entitles the bearer to:
One Foot Massage.
Use by 07/08/2045
Use an expiration date many years in the future to suggest that you and your partner will always be together.

When you and your partner are enjoying a restful time away, organize to wake up early one morning and go to a scenic spot to watch the sun rise. This may seem difficult but it is something which is definitely worth doing at least once. Seeing a new day being born is something really special to share with your partner.

As a special gift, name a Star after your partner. A number of astronomical agencies allow individuals to name stars and you receive formal documentation identifying the star that you have named. www.nameastar.net

If you shower first in the morning. Steam up the bathroom and write a message such as "Pete Loves Kathy" on the mirror for your partner to read when she uses the bathroom. This also works on car windows when it's cold.

Buy a tree with your partner and plant it in a special spot. Each year on your anniversary, have a glass of champagne next to your tree and talk about how your love and the tree have grown.

Create a love montage by collecting some photographs of you and your partner, some ticket stubs of places you have visited and any other small odds and ends that have special meaning to you both. Take these items and get them professionally framed in a three dimensional montage. Alternatively, buy a frame and create a simple montage yourself.

Always listen for things that your partner reminisces about and jot them down somewhere. For example, perhaps she talks about the ice cream that she had from a particular shop when she was a little girl.
When a special occasion comes along, check your list of things that your partner talks about and try to recreate one of them, for example, visit the shop and buy a tub of ice cream making sure that the name of the shop is on the container.

If your partner is going on a trip, pack a small present into the corner of her suitcase that she will find when she is away.

Organize a mystery trip for you and your partner. Some travel agents will organize mystery packages where the destination of the trip is kept secret until you are actually on the plane or arrive at the destination.

If your partner has voice mail at work or on her mobile, leave a message saying
"Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you." She will appreciate this anytime but especially when she is going through a rough period.

Write a note saying "I thought of you today, and it made me smile."
Leave the note somewhere where your partner is sure to find it. Also, writing similar notes with the date on them stashed in places where she may not find them for a few weeks is a real surprise, sometimes for both of you.

Organize a professional photo shoot to obtain a portrait of the two of you as a couple. Frame the picture and put it somewhere prominent. Remember to make sure you give your partner plenty of notice so that she can get ready. Or, at least make it a point to have photos taken of you together, taken by friends or family. I can't stress enough how important this is, and again, display them prominently on your family's website, facbook, around the house, and at your work.

Contact your partner's family and ask if there was anything she always wanted when she was a little girl but never had. For example if she always wanted a certain doll, buy one for her birthday. She will not only appreciate the gift but also the fact that you were thoughtful enough to find out what she always wanted.

For this idea you will need an MP3 player. If you and your partner have a favorite song, and/or a favorite song of your partner's, such as "let's Stay Together" or "Angel Eyes", download it to your MP3 and take it with you when you go away for a romantic weekend. When you are in a romantic spot, ask your partner if she would like to dance. Place one earpiece in her ear and one in your own and enjoy your private dance floor. This is particularly effective if the romantic spot you have chosen is somewhere where people would not normally dance, for example, the top of the Empire State building at sunset or on top of a mountain during a camping trip.

When your spouse has had a really long hard day, run a hot bath for her. Pour some fragrant bath oil into the tub and gently bathe her from head to toe. Carry her into the bedroom. Gently towel her dry and tuck her into a freshly made bed with a kiss on the forehead..and leave it at that!

Buy a small decorated cardboard box, a sheet of colored tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank card.
Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the massage oil in the box and write the following message on the card:
I know a great Masseur.
For an appointment ring:
(Your Phone Number)

Buy flowers on an irregular basis, perhaps once every two weeks, and attach notes to them saying:
"Thank you for coming into my life", "Just because", or "I can't stop thinking about you, and I like it".

If your partner has to work late, take a lunch box and fill it with some of her favorite things such as chocolates, herbal tea, cookies, etc. Next, get a piece of paper and write
"Michelle's Late Night Survival Pack" and place it inside and drop it off to her.

Get a piece of paper and some crayons. Draw a bright childlike picture with a smiley sun and two stick figures holding hands. Add labels with your two names pointing to the stick figures. Write "I Love You" inside a heart. Next get a large formal envelope. Place your drawing inside and type up a formal address label of your partner's work such as:
For the immediate and urgent attention of:
Rebecca Jones
Level 20
Collins & Smith Solicitors
New York
Mail it to your partner so she receives it in the middle of a busy day.

Drive into the country, find a grassy hill and lie with your partner and look up at the clouds.
Play the kid’s game of looking for shapes in the cloud formations. Don't forget to bring a blanket.

While walking with your partner on a weekend getaway, pick up a smooth stone and say that you're going to keep it as a special memento of your trip. Later, have a message such as "I Love Stacey" engraved into the stone by a jeweler and give it to your partner.

Have flowers delivered to your partner's workplace. She will not only enjoy the flowers but will also receive comments and attention from her office mates which will add to her enjoyment.

Take a book that your partner is reading and using a pencil, underline letters in a section of the book she has yet to read to spell out a love letter. For example, underline letters that come together to spell out a secret message such as "I love you". Or, simply flip ahead a chapter or two and write in the margin, "I love you way more than you are loving this book".

Using a bar of soap or her lipstick, write on her bathroom mirror a short note describing how lucky the mirror is or a simple I love you.

If you know your partner would love to have Lasik surgery, but sees it as an extra and spends the money on the kids, home, and family, then the big screen tv for your man-cave or next big tool purchase be damned! Be a man, suck it up, and make an appointment for her. Prearrange it on a weekend or with her work and surprise her by taking her to lunch, then just a "quick stop off" ; )

Do something from your honey-do list without her asking.

If she's had a tough week or is feeling under the weather and needs some veg time, get her a supply of her favorite tea and sweet treats and a book or a movie she'd enjoy, load up the kids for a fun filled kid friendly all day outing, kiss her on the forehead and head off with the troops.

When To Leave: Cheap Silverware & Potpourri

I was very happy to hear the success the majority of you had with the last exercise and how it's turned things around. I've advocated all along that giving up is the last thing you should consider. You have no idea the rewards that await you, your significant other, and your family when you walk through fire and come out the other side..together! Keep it up and I'll continue to post ideas to further strengthen your renewed commitment.  However, this post is addressing the few of you who experienced no change in your significant other at the end of the exercise.

As a dear friend once said, "love is fickle". Without a commitment, it can turn on a dime. The ideal situation is even at the worst of times, you have two people working together to fan the flames and build each other up. There will be ups and downs and times when the effort is unbalanced due to personal experiences in life, but for the most part, you should feel as if there is an equality of effort.

When to leave..say goodbye..throw in the towel

I truly believe the loss of a love is the hardest thing one can ever experience. What's worse, coming to the realization that the enormous effort you exerted to revive the love was in vein. In a word, it's crushing. So, just shy of coming home to an empty house, how do you know when it's time to walk away? 

Saying goodbye has never been easy for anyone. If you have shared a good part of your life with a special someone, cutting her/them off completely from your life would be a far cry from the heavenly bliss you experienced when the two of you first got together. However, as much as you want to envision sharing the rest of your life with them, you know deep inside that things are just not meant to be. Yet, despite that nagging feeling, you are still confused. Should you end it or not?

The confusion is a madness that has engulfed you completely and preoccupied your thoughts for days on end. Helplessly, you feel your spirits sinking whenever thoughts of her/him and your relationship cross your mind. Feeling depressed, confused, and dispirited..you drag yourself from each day to the next, barely unable to experience life as you should because your mind has been so out of it lately.

For me, it was when I realized my significant other was not emotionally available to commit; the more I invested, the less she put in. Another obvious indicator might be that while you're supposed to be fully committed, they seem to "phone in their effort". Do they act or say one thing face to face, but then do the opposite with others or on their social sites (facebook)? When you've busted your ass trying everything possible to make the best of things for an extended time, and the best you get in return is cheap silverware and potpourri (a few trinkets instead of true effort), then it's time to call it quits.

Everyone deserves to be happy, be respected, acknowledged, validated, and to be loved. Yes, even YOU! There is only so much effort/yourself you can give without reciprocation before you have to tell yourself you deserve much better. I'm sorry this last exercise revealed to you the true negative person in your significant other, but at least you know. Now, it's time for you to do what you know you have to do..say goodbye. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever have to do, but believe me, it will open yourself up to something much better.

I have a personal checklist of constructive things to do to occupy yourself after the breakup, ways to better yourself, figure out what went wrong, correct these issues, and successfully move on. Email me if you're interested. 

Random Rant: Not Meant For Public Consumption

"Okay, Mr Goodbye To All That blogger, time to fess up to the fact that you're just as imperfect as everyone else. In fact, you might want to subscribe to some self-help blogs yourself, you idiot!"

I think what my disturbingly penned third person self is alluding to is a recent event which reminded me that even when we feel confidently centered and at the top of our game, there is always more to learn or more room for improvement. It's never the exit or turn us guys miss when we're actively trying to find the way that pisses our significant others off, it's when we miss them after flat out refusing any directional aids because real men don't use maps that earns us the "I should have married your brother instead of you" look. The biggest struggle I have is continually re-making the same naive assumption that everyone is just as altruistic as I am and/or plays by the same rules..I believe that's where the above "you idiot!" comes into play. I'll be the first to admit that after I die, I'll be somewhere near the bottom of the Catholic Church's list of top 5 million people to consider for Sainthood, but by God (oops..see, perfect example) I'll be damned if it doesn't blindside and disappoint me every stinkin' time. The funny thing about it is, it's never them I'm disappointed in, it's always me. Obviously I read one too many futuristic utopian society novels/stories during my formative years because I can be a real bobble head at times. Is it too much to ask that people not interact with others out of selfishness, greed, or apathy? Well, because to error is human, YES, it is. Does this lend credence to people who think it's prudent to close yourself off and Fort Knox your vulnerable underbelly? Oddly, I don't think so. What I do believe is people, for the most part, are inherently good and good always outweighs the bad. Close yourself up too tightly and no doubt you'll avoid the handful of bad experiences, but you'll also miss out on the otherwise ton of positive ones. Being jaded and cynical takes more energy to sustain over time than does the temporary discomfort of disappointment or heartache. After all, they (whoever that is) was absolutely correct when they said, "the bitter always reminds us just how sweet the sweet really is". Well said, they!    

What Went Wrong: The Sequel

Congratulations to those of you who emailed me the good news that you're starting to see positive changes. With that said, do not stop doing what you're doing. Everything hinges on your staying the course, but don't worry, you won't be the only one "doing all the work" for too much longer. Now that you've had a taste of success and have seen the good that's to come, I'll let you in on something I purposely omitted until now.

Big Secret Revealed..

The whole purpose for having you do this exercise was to get you in the habit of breaking old patterns. And as most of you will agree, any behavior or action that is repeated enough times to be classified as a pattern becomes ingrained and incredibly difficult to change. Just ask any smoker, knuckle cracker, or goodbye to all that blogger who's a recovering DQ Blizzard addict and they'll tell you it's a hellish campaign. Difficult? Yes, but not impossible. Of course it's no secret that something like 85% of Americans are either overweight or obese. I'm also certain it'll come as no surprise to most of you that approximately only 7% (not 70, but 7) of treadmills purchased in the United States get used on a regular basis for something other than a convenient coat or clothing rack. Here's another revelation you may or may not know: everyone is guilty of being manipulative..no exceptions! Think about it..every minute of everyday (excluding when you sleep) you are, in the strictest sense, manipulating either something or someone. If you disagree, then obviously you spend every second of your life sitting motionless and speechless in a Lazy Boy recliner. Sure hope that thing's super comfortable! My point to all that is to illustrate that people locked in a pattern can become just as reluctant to change as a husband/guy is to volunteer to do the dishes. So, a little positive manipulation to motivate someone or a situation is sometimes the only way they/it would ever change or improve, and honestly, isn't something of this magnitude just too important to sit around and hope that someday chance or fate smacks the hell out of your significant other?

Anyway, keep it up and I'll be back shortly to discuss and green light the next phase of "operation I love you but dammit this can't be all there is".  

 

Khufu, Khafre, and Menkaure

For centuries now, mankind has been unable to definitively answer exactly how the pyramids at Giza were constructed. Even the great Herodotus, the Greek historian who wrote in the 5th century B.C., 500 years before Christ, and the earliest known chronicler and historian of the Egyptian Pyramid Age, failed. But Herodotus visited the pyramids 2,700 years after they were built and "built" his conclusions on blocks of supposition and hearsay. However, he was a literary tour de force and a genius of the first order, so history tends to forgive him for this hiccup. The fact is, we may never know..which is great for both the myth and tourism.

Usually, with enough time and help from science and technological advancements, there isn't a great deal that remains a mystery to us these days. Which makes it all the more perplexing why the majority of people still find the mind of the opposite sex such an enigma. It remains an amazement to me that we have nailed down complex social structures of animals with no coherent speech, but when it comes to modern day dating and relationship know-how, we are about as knowledgeable as our paleolithic ancestors. So in an effort to finally put to bed the age old questions about understanding the opposite sex and what makes them tic, let's get to demystifying things.

PART I: WHAT WENT WRONG

Who cares! See, things go wrong and get off course all the time, and not just in relationships. You can spend years trying to figure out the impetus/origins of the problem, but then you have a lot of wasted time and what have you gained? For most, the only thing they've gained is a hefty therapy bill and an opportunity for one person to point a finger at the other and say, "See, I told you it was your fault!". Rarely an environment in which to foster trust and communication in your significant other. Enter Father William of Ockham, who wrote "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity", or more commonly referred to as Occam's Razor and more popularly, but incorrectly, summarized as "the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." Regardless, this theory is precisely the key to turning things around in your current relationship and to understanding the opposite sex. Meaning, stop over complicating the situation and your significant other. At some point you will truly need to sit down with the one you love and communicate. Let me be more specific..communicate, not talk at, which requires you to ACTUALLY be empathetic (if you require an understanding of empathy and good communication skills, then I suggest you Google it or enroll in a night school course). However, for now it is good enough to begin with one simple act/concept to get you well on your way to repairing your current relationship, which for some is easier than others (something my ex girlfriend couldn't manage which is why I happen to know a bit about the subject) and that is...BE SELFISH! No you didn't read that wrong. Before you break things off, drag your significant other kicking and screaming into therapy, postpone the wedding, or enter into yet another verbal tug of war, be selfish. Being selfish in this case refers to you imagining all the things your significant other used to say or do for you that made you feel special, good, happy, like you were the only guy/girl in the world, safe, cared for/about, etc. Now, before you do anything else (that includes having a "talk") start saying and doing all those things to your significant other that felt so good and reassuring to you (obviously not all at once or in one day, unless you want them thinking you've gone round the bend) for the next week. Don't make it obvious and do not act as if you're hoping for or expecting anything in return. If at some point during the week they ask you what's the deal with the sudden niceties, answer/react like it's an everyday occurrence and you really weren't aware of anything different in your manner. DO NOT seize upon the opportunity as an opening to throw your emotional/verbal floodgates open. Skip over it quickly and continue your day/routine as normal or as if nothing happened. If by the end of the week there isn't a noticeable change in your significant other (softened up, started communicating--not necessarily about the current problems--reciprocated some of these gestures, or in some tiny way tried to show you they still care) then it's time to start thinking about sitting down with them and discussing plans for an amicable break. It is human nature to be hurt by someone, and usually deepest by the ones we allow the closest to us. Even so, your bond with your significant other by far supersedes any periodic argument, hurt, anger, frustration you may have towards one another, and thus, when you start showing signs of the bond rather than the hurt, that's when human nature takes over and overrides the more foreign angry feelings and begins to force the loving core you've both developed to show through. NOTE: for some, (especially with guys!!) you may have to be incredibly in-tune with your significant other as they (we) can be stunning examples of reluctance when it comes to letting things go. If your significant other hasn't already broken down and asked to be forgiven or completed a 180* turnaround faster than a navy tail-gunner in a dogfight, then brace yourself because it's coming. If, however, you happen to be affixed to one of the aforementioned knuckledraggers, you most certainly should see a change, but possibly minus the breaking down and begging to talk bit, which is perfectly fine..would you rather be well on your way to relationship bliss and getting to the point where the two of you can discuss wants/needs/boundaries, or is having an all out "I need closure NOW" conversation more important? Regardless of how your situation plays out at the end of the week, there should be marked improvement, and with or without a "big talk" capping the week (I seriously can not stress this enough) DO NOT STOP DOING/SAYING THE THINGS THAT SHOW THEM YOUR LOVE, COMMITMENT, RESPECT, CARING...EVER!

Go right now to your calendar, day planner, phone, the back of your hand where you jot down all your notes, whatever..and mark today's date as "start", then put a big fat star and a "?" at 7 days from today. Not to worry, there are plenty more things I will share with you between now and then that will help you during this week and beyond, but as I said, for now it's enough to start with this single exercise. Lastly, I want to remind you that the key is to act normal and slide these niceties in under the radar, and above all, DO NOT be negative or allow yourself to be pulled into any arguments. Overlook any and ALL negativity completely! After all, they have no clue of your QB substitution. Talk to you very soon.

 

Coercion And The Last Stand: Custer And Sitting Bull Inapplicable

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Blogger..

So, In the spirit of the upcoming All Hollows' Eve, I have a bit of a trick and a treat for you (well, treat for some, that is). As I had promised; I was finished blogging. My intent and hope was to draw your attention to the distance that had slowly, and by degrees, crept up between you and the one you love(d); remind you of the time in the not so distant past when you literally and unquestionably would have stepped in front of a bullet for him/her; maybe, just maybe rattle around enough nostalgic embers to start a fire; and finally, impart to you enough stepping off stone ideas in order for you to find your way back to the path you both once felt so fulfilled on. 

Well, so again, that's what I was aiming for, and apparently, it struck a chord with a handful of you who asked if I had any more info or tips on the subject. First, I want to make it abundantly clear that the information I've gained is from undergraduate psych/sociology courses, personal experiences, listening to friends/co-workers/couples, along with a lot of personal fact finding research. I DO NOT hold any degrees or certificates, nor am I "qualified" by any means to teach or instruct anyone anything about successful relationships (as most of my ex girlfriends will enthusiastically attest!!). I'm no expert or guru, nor am I anything remotely approaching perfect..and what's more, I'm currently single. Even still, I wanted to share my personal thoughts and opinions based on the knowledge I've gained through the aforementioned ways, missed opportunities, mistakes, and sometimes downright calamities, in the hope that it may be of some use to someone. Essentially, I'm telling you you have absolutely ZERO recourse for legal action against me if you try something from my blog that gets you a weekend exiled to your back porch, murmuring a constant stream of muffled I'm sorry's directed up at your bedroom window. With that said, for those of you who asked, I will do one more segment of--let me say this one last time--my OPINIONS! Okay then, let's get started..

One person who read my previous posts, sent me an email which said my blog was a real wake up call to her. This person went on to say that one of the things it did was to make her realize she had gotten lazy and she'd lost her passion. She told me she hadn't just lost her passion with her husband, but really, for everything. Sorry M, but to me this sounded ludicrous because you're nowhere near dead yet and really all it seems you need is that spark to reignite the fire and start doing what it takes to reinvigorate yourself and your husband. Someone else asked me, "Doesn't passion naturally fade away the longer you're together?"..that seemed so foreign a concept because to me, nothing could be further from the truth.

I have this deeply held belief that says passion, love, intimacy and YES, even great sex doesn't ever have to fade away. I believe that whether we have passion or not in our relationships/life is a choice we make in every moment (thanks, Inge, for reminding me of that!). To me, the question you need to continually be asking yourself is what are you doing in every moment of your relationship and life.. is it bringing you closer to, or further from what you want? For many people, they've lost their fire, their drive and they're just going through the motions in their life. To me, this is like dying while you're still alive. I'm not interested in that, nor do I have the time for wastefulness and negativity (I'm gettin' too old for that crap). Honestly, I say give me passion, a zest for life, an incredible woman, some really good music, food and the occasional vacation chucked in there for good measure..to me, that's happiness! 

In the upcoming post, we'll get down and dirty as to some of my thoughts on how to transition from here to there. From simply going through the motions to reigniting the passion in yourself..and how making that change in yourself positively effects and attracts your significant other. 

Talk to you soon.. 

Enough is Enough; Part 2: You disgust me!

Not surprisingly, as of August 23rd, 2010, the United States continues its reign of beating out every other country in the world, that's # 1 out of the current 195, for having the highest rate of divorce. Put another way, the US has once again proven itself to be the laziest country on earth.

People in industrialized nations have been lulled into becoming a "reset" or "throw away" society. Is your electric can opener on the fritz? Chuck it and head to walmart! Is your relationship not perfect or experiencing a normal cyclical dip? Push reset and find a new mate! Has your Grandma's decline in health become an inconvenience to the family? Club Nanna over the head like a baby seal and--I think you get the picture. The point is, the most rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling things in life are things we earn, that take time, or that we've worked hard to achieve. It's a verifiable and incontrovertible fact that major lottery winners are 10 times more likely to become depressed (and broke within 5 years of their win), than those of their peers who have earned the same amount of money. Can you imagine how different life would be had people like Martin Luther King Jr., Fanny Wright, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama decided to tuck tail and run at the the first (second, third, fourth..) sign that things weren't going their way? Thank God for their resiliency and commitment! So, should you blindly stay in a dangerous relationship simply because MLK persevered in the face of constant death threats? Only if you're a moron! What I'm saying is relationships, like anything else that's fulfilling, takes commitment and work..lots of it. It's easy to spot the lazy people because they're the first to respond with, "What about all the people who are in happy relationships that don't have to work at it?" or "Maybe a happy relationship shouldn't be so much work"..to this, I can only shake my head in wonder and ask..Really? Can you introduce me to the robot community of couples you're referring to? NO relationship or person is perfect. NO relationship is without ups and downs. NO commitment should be/can be disposable. There is a term in metal working known as tempering. Tempering is the process of changing a relatively soft steel into a super strong, long lasting metal by heating it to just before its melting point then rapidly cooling it down, which is done several times, and each time the steel becomes increasingly stronger. The obvious correlation is that yes, you should experience wonderful ups and be generally happy in a relationship, but it's the downs and working together through these times which temper a relationship and give it its endurable strength. 

As I've mentioned above, and throughout my previous blog posts, there are a handful of reasons in which you're an idiot if you don't immediately end a relationship for good. Beyond those, the decision should be based on whether your partner is able and willing to do the repair work with you. However, (and I'm mainly speaking to women here because men are especially dense and may require a second, maybe even a third chance at redemption on any one particular mistake or area) no one should accept a partner who continually makes the same mistake, over and over. And (I'm mainly talking to the guys here because women can be shortsighted to just how incredibly stupid and dense we can be when it comes to finally "getting it") never should your partners concerns or feelings be taken lightly or for granted. If you're walking on eggshells, then either you're obviously in a situation where you feel a beating is a realistic response from your partner and you should stop reading this NOW and leave, or, you are allowing yourself to take the backseat in the relationship--get off your ass and the eggshells, grow a backbone, realize that tough times aren't just hard or unpleasant for you, and more than likely, your partner feels just as sad, helpless, worried, or on eggshells as you. It may sound unfair, but as much as you'd like for your partner to be the one to change the situation, regardless of who you feel is at fault, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and "be the change you want to see". 

The fact of the matter is, there is no magic check list or fairy tale formula that you can go by in determining whether to stay or to leave. In researching this very topic, I came across many relationship success stories of people who took some seriously bitter lemons, (and I mean BITTER!) and not only made lemonade, but are deliriously happy and admit it wouldn't have happened otherwise. Admittedly, as I read some of the horror stories of what these couples went through to achieve their ultimate happiness and fortitude, I found myself questioning whether I would have continued if in their shoes. The best thing for anyone to do in this situation is to be realistic, (and unless you're as intuitive as a bowling ball) use common sense and your gut-feeling and ask yourself is there enough love left in you. If yes, then have an honest to god conversation with your partner, after which, you'll have a pretty good idea whether things are salvageable.   

As this is more than likely my last post of this blog--I too have to start living and putting this stuff into practice at some point, not just dispense it to you guys--I'll wish you the very best, and happiness! Lastly, I'd like to leave you with something a friend of mine said to me recently in an email..

"...People always think they will be happier once they....find a mate, find some money, find a job and on and on. That is a choice you make - daily! The reality is relationships are fickle. Like I tell my kids and hubby, love isn't as much a feeling as it is a decision. I choose to love you. I decided a few years back that I was going to love people, especially my family, to their core, no matter what! You can't give away what you don't have so that's why it's so important to me to have a lot of love inside..."                        
 

Enough is Enough

I've been asked many times at what point in a troubled relationship do you give up, throw in the towel, and walk away. If you ask ten people you will most likely hear ten different answers. Quite frankly, if someone were to have asked me my take on the subject prior to the early summer of 2007, I probably would have answered them with an I don't know, or fumbled off some distant, indeterminate threshold. However, in that fateful spring/summer, I would meet a very special person for whom would effect in me the depth of feelings I'd never before come close to experiencing, or thought was possible. This was such a pivotal and epiphanic occurrence that it thankfully turned my previous held sophomoric beliefs about relationships on their head, which afforded me the insight I now live by and likely would still be waiting on had our paths not crossed.

So, what did I learn? Well, let's leave that for now and return to it later in the story, after we first pay equal homage to the other side of the coin.

I often wonder whether these same people who are asking when to pull the plug, if they gave the same amount of thought, concern, and energy towards preventative measures, or at least at rehabilitation when things noticeably started a downward trend. Alternatively, did they work their asses off trying to rescue the relationship, but either burned out due to going it alone, or simply failing to know exactly how or what to concentrate their energy on to give the relationship the best chance for success? In other words, if you spend all your resources completing the first and second floors of a house before you pour the foundation, it would be incredibly unlikely if your house would ever be move in ready without some serious influx of help or money. 

Now, I have no intention of assuming your individual circumstances and prescribing the perfect pill that would bring you back from the brink (for that, at least for now, you can get a small hand hold on 11th hour measures simply by deduction from my previous blogs), but rather, my immediate goal is to pass along things to consider before your relationship reaches purgatory. Some of these admittedly may tend towards the corny, but at least they're still a step in the right direction and hopefully will stimulate your own ideas. But if nothing else, my hope is for you to start thinking about your partner again as someone you enjoy planning secret little niceties for. Hey, it beats your current situation, no? More importantly, it's a start!  

• Wish Bowl: If your partner doesn't initiate with you romantically and intimately you can encourage him or her by writing down things you like on cards and putting them in a bowl. For example: give a massage, plan a date, have a shower together, create a romantic mood, offer a hug and a kiss when you see each other after work, write poetry, etc. Get your partner to take one card out of the bowl each evening and learn to become intimate. Since they're your ideas you are more likely to respond in a positive fashion.
  
  
• Eyes Wide Open: To help connect on an emotional level with your partner take a minute each day to look into your partner's eyes and express how you feel about him or her. Follow it up with a kiss...with your eyes open.
  
  
• Gifts from the Heart: Every now and then surprise your partner with a gift. It doesn't have to be anything big but make sure when you give it, you tell your partner how much you love and appreciate the things he or she does for you. It will create a sense of gratitude and your partner will not feel taken for granted.
  
  
• Getting Rid of Anger: To release anger in a way that doesn't escalate an argument, find a target that you can pretend is the person you are angry with and throw bean bags at it. Verbalize what that person does to make you angry. On each throw you release your resentment and frustration both verbally and physically. This way you don't take it out on your partner. And, by letting off steam you have a chance to discuss your feelings clearly and honestly.
  
  
• Time to Relax: For couples with kids it's important that you share raising them fairly. Take turns preparing meals, running them around and picking up after them. This allows the other partner to have some down time. Make a schedule that blocks time for both the daily chores and free time. Taking time to relax will help you be more up for positive interaction with your kids, and each other.
  
  
• Silent Connection: Spend a minute each day facing each other and pressing your hands up against your partner's. Look into each other's eyes. Then tell him or her something you like about about him or her. Nonverbal intimacy, even for a short time, can short-circuit the day's frustration and put you in a positive mental state. The verbal reinforcement helps insure you are connecting on all levels.
  
  
• Active listening: This exercise can help you and your partner understand and learn what the other is feeling so that you have a chance to start solving issues in your relationship. Find a quiet private place in your home. Take turns telling each other what you want to say. When one of you has spoken the other partner must repeat back what was said, NOT what they think they heard. Repeat your partner's sentiments until you get it right. This will save misunderstanding, confusion and lots of yelling!

• Treat each other like royalty: Take turns bringing each other a meal in bed. It's intimate, and makes your partner feel special and cared for.
  
  
• Partnership/ Team Building: To strengthen your partnership try doing things together that need both your input. Going camping, for instance, can be fun, but you have to help each other pitch the tent and encourage each other's efforts. A change of environment and teamwork can work wonders for the sex life.
  
  
• Creative Foreplay: Bringing creativity into your sex life is fun and keeps desire alive. Edible body paints and foods are a great way to bring sensuality into foreplay. Stimulating the senses can create desire and passion.
  
  
• Couples ARC: When you and your partner have resorted to insulting each other it causes a lot of hurt. Both partners in a relationship need to take responsibility for being mean and hurtful. Each day turn to each other and APOLOGIZE for a wrong doing, mention something you RESPECT in your partner and then CONNECT by hugging or kissing. These three things, done daily, can really ground the relationship.
  
  
• Romance Chest: Many couples lack romance in their busy lives and many women's desire is evoked through romantic gestures. A simple way to bring intimacy to the relationship is to put together a romance chest — include wine, candles, scented oils for massage, chocolate, etc. When you're in the mood you can go to the box and set the scene for a romantic evening.
  
  
• Poetry and Romance: A simple way to show someone you care about them is writing a poem. It may seem old-fashioned but if it's romantic and heartfelt it can create emotional desire.
  
  
• Sensual Massage: Massage helps couples wind down and learn to touch each other gently and sensually. It usually creates desire and a sense of well being and a closeness with you partner.
  
  
• Partnership Dance: To help reconnect, find an activity that you can both learn to do together. Look for something that you both find interesting. It will keep you connected and focused on accomplishing something NEW together.
  
  
• Letting Go of the Past: Old issues can destroy your chances of moving into the future. Couples can write down their past issues and transgressions on small cards then attach them to balloons. Facing each other, take turns reading the cards. Each partner needs to look the other in the eye, acknowledge the issue, make a heartfelt apology and then let the issue go forever. Watching the balloon float way allows the process of closure.
  
  
• Weekly Schedules: Schedules can help couples work out their time together and have a more balanced relationship. By using magnets on the refrigerator to symbolize your plans set aside specific times of specific days for together time. Get into a routine so that you can schedule both alone time and together time.

• Foreplay Assignment: On plain paper, make an outline of your body. Mark down on the diagram exactly what you like sexually and where you like. Be explicit. Swap diagrams and learn about your partners hot spots.
  
  
• Rock Climbing: Rock climbing with your partner can help build trust. For added adventure (and in a safe environment) one partner can be blindfolded while the other leads with words of direction and encouragement. This experience helps each partner see how they need to work as a team to accomplish some things.
  
  
• Getting in Touch with Your Sexuality: It's important to feel confident about your body and sexuality. Try taking lessons or get an instructional video for erotic dancing. It can be learned in private and helps relieve anxiety and build confidence.
  
  
• It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes: It may be hard to believe but anything can be foreplay as long as you apply the right thinking to it. Turn an everyday chore into fun by making a romantic gesture while cleaning, cooking or folding the laundry.
  
  
• Keep Connected by Phone: Couples with busy schedules often have a hard time staying connected. Calling each other and talking in a romantic way can give you a chance to build up desire so that when you meet you are ready for intimacy.
  
  
• Hypnosis: Hypnosis can help with ingrained bad habits, like constantly being late for all of your dates. See if this techniques works on a bad habit you can't seem to break.
  
  
• Speak and I'll follow: To learn to communicate clearly and to listen better one partner is blindfolded while the other has to describe a picture of shapes and patterns. The blindfolded partner must try to draw the picture relying solely on the other partner's instructions and listening carefully. It is an exercise that helps reveal that clear and precise communication is important.
  
  
• Away from it All: Couples need private time. Make boundaries in the home if living with others and schedule private time with your partner. Take a trip on a boat, or have a picnic in the park or even rent a hotel room, anything that allows you intimate time together.
  
  
• Erotic Home Videos: You can keep the excitement and creativity in the bedroom. Make up a story, write a script, maybe even get costumes. Be creative, don't forget to include plenty of foreplay and erotic interludes and then shoot your own erotic video.
  
  

• Couples Commitment Course: An outdoor ropes course can play a key role in teaching a couple to support and encourage each other on equal ground. Reaching the end of this physically challenging course depends on the pair's ability to rely on and support each other. It is a good test for any relationship as it identifies strengths, weaknesses and how the couple works together toward a common goal.

Hopefully you've found a few things that sparked in you a new found enthusiasm and commitment to repairing and reconnecting with your loved one. Before I leave you to it, as I earlier promised, I'll first leave you with two parting thoughts..


What the experience with the person I was able to fully let in taught me was this..  At what point do you cash in your chips and give up on the person you once loved, cherished, and committed yourself to? Never. Never! As long as there is love left between you, and of course, no violence, drugs, infidelity, etc., then the answer is simple..Never. Even if you experience a serious down cycle of the normal ups and downs, go back and do some more foundation work. I gaurentee your house will be significantly stronger for it! 

And finally, listen to the following..