Merry Christmas?

I sincerely hope you thoroughly enjoy the time you spend with your family and loved ones during this holiday season. Not to get all Halmarky on you, but ever since the truth about Santa was revealed to us as children, being able to fully experience the "magic" of Christmas has been, well, illusive at best. Let's face it, for a lot of us just trying to make it through the holidays can be such a monumental task that it should be considered for the next winter olympics. Which is all the more reason to continually remind ourselves to live in the moment and really try to look for and enjoy the small things that so often get overlooked during the 100 yard holiday dash.

A recent study showed that Thanksgiving to New Years is the most stressful time of the year. The study went on to say, contrary to the popular misconception, that the holidays actually reeks havoc on all but the strongest relationships and marriages. So much for it being the most wonderful time of the year, huh?

Now, there's all kinds of things which can factor into holiday stress, such as: finances, lack of time, pressure of living up to the super mom/Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart persona, etc. Maybe your holiday consists of you being made to endure hours of confinement with a National Lampoons-like, family from hell. Maybe your significant other was the only member of his/her family to obtain an education level higher than a G.E.D., and the one skill for which her parents actually deserve an honorary PhD for is smoking pot..(incidentally, a skill/hobby which maybe overshadowed--killed, really--your asking their permission to marry their daughter!). And maybe the level of class among your partner's family stops just before better judgment would normally dictate the refraining of parents discussing their personal sexual relationship and their daughters' sexual relationships with everyone in attendance (within earshot of minors) and during the Christmas/Thanksgiving meal, no less. Perhaps it's not unheard of for things to get so juvenile and out of hand that the highlight of the festivities is your partner's mother being dealt a broken rib by her wonderful and loving offspring. Heck, I don't know, maybe for you, all that sounds like a Norman Rockwell holiday gathering. 

The point I'm reaching for is regardless of the annually occurring nightmare/stress you're accustom to--although it may seem an impossibility--pay close attention and really watch for those small, overlooked smiles, gestures, kind words, or thoughtful glances which could turn your usual holiday debacle into a mini holiday miracle. For that matter, armed with your positive holiday self-affirmations and new found good will, perpetrate these niceties on your family (yes, that includes your in-laws!) and stay positive. I think you may just be surprised as to the ripple effect it causes, not to mention, the warm retrospective memories you'll be able to carry with you into the 2011 holiday season.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But above all, I sincerely hope you experience the "magic" of the holidays!

Love Never Fails, But You Do. Don't: Here's The Scoop

Now that you have established upward mobility in your relationship, continue the same positive and renewed enthusiasm for your partner. It is incredibly important, especially in today's hectic world, to make it priority one to continually show your partner how much they mean to you and that your recent effort wasn't just a flash in the pan. Think about it, in just a handful of years it will just be the two of you..do you want your partner dreading that milestone, or excitedly anticipating it? Especially now, but also when the kids are gone and the smoke has cleared, make sure she knows there's no one else in the world you'd rather share your life with.

I have compiled a list of things for you to do as a way to show how much you care, how much you think about them, and how much they mean to you. Some are my personal ideas and some I stole. Regardless, if you only do one of the things from the list below a month, you will still be miles ahead of the average person in a relationship, which will automatically set you apart from the rest of your partner's coworker's/friend's dead-beat significant others. And in doing so, you will make your partner feel proud and happy to be with you..which earns you big time bonus points and a desire in your partner to somehow reciprocate ; ) Remember, you can't be an a-hole all the time and every once in a while chuck one of these ideas at her and expect her to treat you like you're the man of her dreams. Everyone has off days, but always repair any negativity, grumpiness, or small mistakes you make ASAP, and leave the big mistakes/huge arguments to other couples!

A few words of caution: some of the things are meant to be done with much fanfare, while others will have a much more meaningful and greater effect if done without any at all..don't come off as a pompous romeo asshole if she's had a hard day and you're trying to cheer her up, etc.  Also, I could give a sh-- less if you don't get along with your partner's family/friends or if they don't like you! Just swallow your pride because you WILL need them to pull off several of these things. Besides, the fact that you enlisted their help or knowledge, especially if things with them aren't ideal, will mean just as much to your partner as the gift/getaway/etc itself..if not more!!

Again, make it a priority to show your partner A LOT how much they mean to you. Have fun doing the things from the list below and don't be shy about adding your own ideas. In fact, I'd love it if you emailed or commented to me your ideas so I can add it to the next list, and also let me know how your partner reacts to each idea you try.

Enjoy!...



If you are artistically inclined, do a life drawing course, practice until you are confident and then ask your partner to pose for you.

Pick your partner up for a date and blindfold her before driving to a special destination. Try to make the destination something really unexpected like a table set up at the top of a cliff or a dinner on a boat or old-fashioned ship. It needs to be something that will have an impact when she removes the blindfold.

Create a loving nickname for your partner. This could be the name she was called by her family when she was a little girl or something that is special just for the two of you.

On Thursday, ask your partner to pack a bag for the weekend. Tell her she'll need casual clothes and walking shoes but don't tell her what you have got planned. Pick her up after work on Friday and drive to a romantic bed and breakfast for a romantic weekend of relaxation.

Research your partner's favorite hobby and identify a gift that is really useful for her. The more specialized the gift the more impact it will have. Talk to her friends and family and use the internet to find the information you need.

Find out in advance what kind of weekend getaways your partner would enjoy. If you have kids, arrange for them to stay at their grandparents for the weekend. Come home early Friday to pack your partner's bag (dear God make sure you know what she'd pack..if you have any doubts, enlist the help of one of her good friends, or pack EVERYTHING!), then show up outside her work at five o'clock (4:45) to drive her to your destination.

Send your partner a thank-you note. For example:
Dear Bec,
Thanks for helping me move house.
Having you there made a huge difference.
I really appreciate your help and your love.
Love Tim

Even if you are just going down the road to buy some milk, act as though you are returning home after a major adventure. Say something like, "Well it was touch and go there for a while with the snow and the wolves but I made it and I am so happy to see you!" and then give your partner a huge bear hug.

Buy a gift voucher for a facial at a local beauty clinic and place it in a card accompanied by the message,
A special treat for
someone special

Better yet, if you can afford it, buy a head to toe spa package for two (for her and her best friend). Set it up with her friend to "take her for a quick manicure" (also give her friend a dinner outfit for your partner to change into afterwords) then be there to pick her up after her spa treatment to whisk her away to dinner.

Arrange a special day off from work. Start with breakfast, go for a walk in the park, go shopping, have afternoon tea in a cozy cafe and finish off with a romantic dinner.


Compliment your partner in public (any chance you get!). If you are talking in a group and it is appropriate to the conversation say something like, "Kate makes the most incredible roast." Squeeze her hand while you are talking about her.


Share your food with your partner. When you go out for a meal, hold a forkful up to her mouth and say, "You've got to try this." Sharing your food and even feeding each other is a great way to become closer as a couple.


Create a personalized magazine cover for your partner. To do this, get hold of a good quality photo of her and a copy of a popular entertainment magazine. Take these two items to a print shop or graphic design agency. Ask them to scan your partner's photo and develop a magazine cover with the lead story being, "The 30 most beautiful women of 2010". When you get the cover, stick it on the front of a real magazine and have it sealed in plastic. Put that days mail on top of the magazine where she'll see it.

Ahead of time, find out her favorite movies, or a list of movies she's always wanted to see (make sure one of them is "An Affair To Remember"). Buy some popcorn, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries and have a special film night at home.

When you are having dinner one night, ask your partner about the things she has always wanted to do. Later on, write these things down so you don't forget them and over time try and help make them happen. For example she may say that one thing she has always wanted to do is swim with dolphins or take a pottery class. Find out where she can do this and organize it for her as a special surprise.

When your partner is sick at home, take a day off to look after her. Rent some videos, make her some soup, wrap her up in a blanket and just be with her.

Speak to your partner's family and find out what her favorite book was when she was a little girl. Buy a copy of the book and read it to her in bed.

Buy a box of chocolates/candies and very carefully open one side of the plastic wrap so that you can gently slide the box out. Open the box and place a love note inside. Then slide the box back into its plastic wrap and reseal it.

Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it made in the shape of a heart and spell out I LOVE YOU in her favorite topping before it is delivered to your home. It may cost a little extra, but so what!

Photocopy your hand and fax/email a copy of it to your partner at work with a message saying, "Wanna hold hands?"

When your partner is having a shower or bath, take her towel and place it in the dryer to make it really warm and then wrap her up in it when she is done.

Buy a book that you and your partner are both interested in reading, or a book you've read that you think she'll really enjoy. Read one chapter each night in bed with each of you taking turns to read out loud. This can be a great alternative to television.

When your partner is sitting at a table or desk, come up behind him or her and give her a back, shoulder and head massage. Finish with a gentle kiss on the cheek..and leave it at that!

Organize a hot air ballooning trip as a special surprise. Most trips begin with a glass of champagne before you float over the countryside with your partner.

Buy or create some love coupons that your partner can exchange for romantic favors.
For example you could have a coupon that reads
This coupon entitles the bearer to:
One Foot Massage.
Use by 07/08/2045
Use an expiration date many years in the future to suggest that you and your partner will always be together.

When you and your partner are enjoying a restful time away, organize to wake up early one morning and go to a scenic spot to watch the sun rise. This may seem difficult but it is something which is definitely worth doing at least once. Seeing a new day being born is something really special to share with your partner.

As a special gift, name a Star after your partner. A number of astronomical agencies allow individuals to name stars and you receive formal documentation identifying the star that you have named. www.nameastar.net

If you shower first in the morning. Steam up the bathroom and write a message such as "Pete Loves Kathy" on the mirror for your partner to read when she uses the bathroom. This also works on car windows when it's cold.

Buy a tree with your partner and plant it in a special spot. Each year on your anniversary, have a glass of champagne next to your tree and talk about how your love and the tree have grown.

Create a love montage by collecting some photographs of you and your partner, some ticket stubs of places you have visited and any other small odds and ends that have special meaning to you both. Take these items and get them professionally framed in a three dimensional montage. Alternatively, buy a frame and create a simple montage yourself.

Always listen for things that your partner reminisces about and jot them down somewhere. For example, perhaps she talks about the ice cream that she had from a particular shop when she was a little girl.
When a special occasion comes along, check your list of things that your partner talks about and try to recreate one of them, for example, visit the shop and buy a tub of ice cream making sure that the name of the shop is on the container.

If your partner is going on a trip, pack a small present into the corner of her suitcase that she will find when she is away.

Organize a mystery trip for you and your partner. Some travel agents will organize mystery packages where the destination of the trip is kept secret until you are actually on the plane or arrive at the destination.

If your partner has voice mail at work or on her mobile, leave a message saying
"Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you." She will appreciate this anytime but especially when she is going through a rough period.

Write a note saying "I thought of you today, and it made me smile."
Leave the note somewhere where your partner is sure to find it. Also, writing similar notes with the date on them stashed in places where she may not find them for a few weeks is a real surprise, sometimes for both of you.

Organize a professional photo shoot to obtain a portrait of the two of you as a couple. Frame the picture and put it somewhere prominent. Remember to make sure you give your partner plenty of notice so that she can get ready. Or, at least make it a point to have photos taken of you together, taken by friends or family. I can't stress enough how important this is, and again, display them prominently on your family's website, facbook, around the house, and at your work.

Contact your partner's family and ask if there was anything she always wanted when she was a little girl but never had. For example if she always wanted a certain doll, buy one for her birthday. She will not only appreciate the gift but also the fact that you were thoughtful enough to find out what she always wanted.

For this idea you will need an MP3 player. If you and your partner have a favorite song, and/or a favorite song of your partner's, such as "let's Stay Together" or "Angel Eyes", download it to your MP3 and take it with you when you go away for a romantic weekend. When you are in a romantic spot, ask your partner if she would like to dance. Place one earpiece in her ear and one in your own and enjoy your private dance floor. This is particularly effective if the romantic spot you have chosen is somewhere where people would not normally dance, for example, the top of the Empire State building at sunset or on top of a mountain during a camping trip.

When your spouse has had a really long hard day, run a hot bath for her. Pour some fragrant bath oil into the tub and gently bathe her from head to toe. Carry her into the bedroom. Gently towel her dry and tuck her into a freshly made bed with a kiss on the forehead..and leave it at that!

Buy a small decorated cardboard box, a sheet of colored tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank card.
Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the massage oil in the box and write the following message on the card:
I know a great Masseur.
For an appointment ring:
(Your Phone Number)

Buy flowers on an irregular basis, perhaps once every two weeks, and attach notes to them saying:
"Thank you for coming into my life", "Just because", or "I can't stop thinking about you, and I like it".

If your partner has to work late, take a lunch box and fill it with some of her favorite things such as chocolates, herbal tea, cookies, etc. Next, get a piece of paper and write
"Michelle's Late Night Survival Pack" and place it inside and drop it off to her.

Get a piece of paper and some crayons. Draw a bright childlike picture with a smiley sun and two stick figures holding hands. Add labels with your two names pointing to the stick figures. Write "I Love You" inside a heart. Next get a large formal envelope. Place your drawing inside and type up a formal address label of your partner's work such as:
For the immediate and urgent attention of:
Rebecca Jones
Level 20
Collins & Smith Solicitors
New York
Mail it to your partner so she receives it in the middle of a busy day.

Drive into the country, find a grassy hill and lie with your partner and look up at the clouds.
Play the kid’s game of looking for shapes in the cloud formations. Don't forget to bring a blanket.

While walking with your partner on a weekend getaway, pick up a smooth stone and say that you're going to keep it as a special memento of your trip. Later, have a message such as "I Love Stacey" engraved into the stone by a jeweler and give it to your partner.

Have flowers delivered to your partner's workplace. She will not only enjoy the flowers but will also receive comments and attention from her office mates which will add to her enjoyment.

Take a book that your partner is reading and using a pencil, underline letters in a section of the book she has yet to read to spell out a love letter. For example, underline letters that come together to spell out a secret message such as "I love you". Or, simply flip ahead a chapter or two and write in the margin, "I love you way more than you are loving this book".

Using a bar of soap or her lipstick, write on her bathroom mirror a short note describing how lucky the mirror is or a simple I love you.

If you know your partner would love to have Lasik surgery, but sees it as an extra and spends the money on the kids, home, and family, then the big screen tv for your man-cave or next big tool purchase be damned! Be a man, suck it up, and make an appointment for her. Prearrange it on a weekend or with her work and surprise her by taking her to lunch, then just a "quick stop off" ; )

Do something from your honey-do list without her asking.

If she's had a tough week or is feeling under the weather and needs some veg time, get her a supply of her favorite tea and sweet treats and a book or a movie she'd enjoy, load up the kids for a fun filled kid friendly all day outing, kiss her on the forehead and head off with the troops.

When To Leave: Cheap Silverware & Potpourri

I was very happy to hear the success the majority of you had with the last exercise and how it's turned things around. I've advocated all along that giving up is the last thing you should consider. You have no idea the rewards that await you, your significant other, and your family when you walk through fire and come out the other side..together! Keep it up and I'll continue to post ideas to further strengthen your renewed commitment.  However, this post is addressing the few of you who experienced no change in your significant other at the end of the exercise.

As a dear friend once said, "love is fickle". Without a commitment, it can turn on a dime. The ideal situation is even at the worst of times, you have two people working together to fan the flames and build each other up. There will be ups and downs and times when the effort is unbalanced due to personal experiences in life, but for the most part, you should feel as if there is an equality of effort.

When to leave..say goodbye..throw in the towel

I truly believe the loss of a love is the hardest thing one can ever experience. What's worse, coming to the realization that the enormous effort you exerted to revive the love was in vein. In a word, it's crushing. So, just shy of coming home to an empty house, how do you know when it's time to walk away? 

Saying goodbye has never been easy for anyone. If you have shared a good part of your life with a special someone, cutting her/them off completely from your life would be a far cry from the heavenly bliss you experienced when the two of you first got together. However, as much as you want to envision sharing the rest of your life with them, you know deep inside that things are just not meant to be. Yet, despite that nagging feeling, you are still confused. Should you end it or not?

The confusion is a madness that has engulfed you completely and preoccupied your thoughts for days on end. Helplessly, you feel your spirits sinking whenever thoughts of her/him and your relationship cross your mind. Feeling depressed, confused, and dispirited..you drag yourself from each day to the next, barely unable to experience life as you should because your mind has been so out of it lately.

For me, it was when I realized my significant other was not emotionally available to commit; the more I invested, the less she put in. Another obvious indicator might be that while you're supposed to be fully committed, they seem to "phone in their effort". Do they act or say one thing face to face, but then do the opposite with others or on their social sites (facebook)? When you've busted your ass trying everything possible to make the best of things for an extended time, and the best you get in return is cheap silverware and potpourri (a few trinkets instead of true effort), then it's time to call it quits.

Everyone deserves to be happy, be respected, acknowledged, validated, and to be loved. Yes, even YOU! There is only so much effort/yourself you can give without reciprocation before you have to tell yourself you deserve much better. I'm sorry this last exercise revealed to you the true negative person in your significant other, but at least you know. Now, it's time for you to do what you know you have to do..say goodbye. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever have to do, but believe me, it will open yourself up to something much better.

I have a personal checklist of constructive things to do to occupy yourself after the breakup, ways to better yourself, figure out what went wrong, correct these issues, and successfully move on. Email me if you're interested. 

Random Rant: Not Meant For Public Consumption

"Okay, Mr Goodbye To All That blogger, time to fess up to the fact that you're just as imperfect as everyone else. In fact, you might want to subscribe to some self-help blogs yourself, you idiot!"

I think what my disturbingly penned third person self is alluding to is a recent event which reminded me that even when we feel confidently centered and at the top of our game, there is always more to learn or more room for improvement. It's never the exit or turn us guys miss when we're actively trying to find the way that pisses our significant others off, it's when we miss them after flat out refusing any directional aids because real men don't use maps that earns us the "I should have married your brother instead of you" look. The biggest struggle I have is continually re-making the same naive assumption that everyone is just as altruistic as I am and/or plays by the same rules..I believe that's where the above "you idiot!" comes into play. I'll be the first to admit that after I die, I'll be somewhere near the bottom of the Catholic Church's list of top 5 million people to consider for Sainthood, but by God (oops..see, perfect example) I'll be damned if it doesn't blindside and disappoint me every stinkin' time. The funny thing about it is, it's never them I'm disappointed in, it's always me. Obviously I read one too many futuristic utopian society novels/stories during my formative years because I can be a real bobble head at times. Is it too much to ask that people not interact with others out of selfishness, greed, or apathy? Well, because to error is human, YES, it is. Does this lend credence to people who think it's prudent to close yourself off and Fort Knox your vulnerable underbelly? Oddly, I don't think so. What I do believe is people, for the most part, are inherently good and good always outweighs the bad. Close yourself up too tightly and no doubt you'll avoid the handful of bad experiences, but you'll also miss out on the otherwise ton of positive ones. Being jaded and cynical takes more energy to sustain over time than does the temporary discomfort of disappointment or heartache. After all, they (whoever that is) was absolutely correct when they said, "the bitter always reminds us just how sweet the sweet really is". Well said, they!    

What Went Wrong: The Sequel

Congratulations to those of you who emailed me the good news that you're starting to see positive changes. With that said, do not stop doing what you're doing. Everything hinges on your staying the course, but don't worry, you won't be the only one "doing all the work" for too much longer. Now that you've had a taste of success and have seen the good that's to come, I'll let you in on something I purposely omitted until now.

Big Secret Revealed..

The whole purpose for having you do this exercise was to get you in the habit of breaking old patterns. And as most of you will agree, any behavior or action that is repeated enough times to be classified as a pattern becomes ingrained and incredibly difficult to change. Just ask any smoker, knuckle cracker, or goodbye to all that blogger who's a recovering DQ Blizzard addict and they'll tell you it's a hellish campaign. Difficult? Yes, but not impossible. Of course it's no secret that something like 85% of Americans are either overweight or obese. I'm also certain it'll come as no surprise to most of you that approximately only 7% (not 70, but 7) of treadmills purchased in the United States get used on a regular basis for something other than a convenient coat or clothing rack. Here's another revelation you may or may not know: everyone is guilty of being manipulative..no exceptions! Think about it..every minute of everyday (excluding when you sleep) you are, in the strictest sense, manipulating either something or someone. If you disagree, then obviously you spend every second of your life sitting motionless and speechless in a Lazy Boy recliner. Sure hope that thing's super comfortable! My point to all that is to illustrate that people locked in a pattern can become just as reluctant to change as a husband/guy is to volunteer to do the dishes. So, a little positive manipulation to motivate someone or a situation is sometimes the only way they/it would ever change or improve, and honestly, isn't something of this magnitude just too important to sit around and hope that someday chance or fate smacks the hell out of your significant other?

Anyway, keep it up and I'll be back shortly to discuss and green light the next phase of "operation I love you but dammit this can't be all there is".  

 

Khufu, Khafre, and Menkaure

For centuries now, mankind has been unable to definitively answer exactly how the pyramids at Giza were constructed. Even the great Herodotus, the Greek historian who wrote in the 5th century B.C., 500 years before Christ, and the earliest known chronicler and historian of the Egyptian Pyramid Age, failed. But Herodotus visited the pyramids 2,700 years after they were built and "built" his conclusions on blocks of supposition and hearsay. However, he was a literary tour de force and a genius of the first order, so history tends to forgive him for this hiccup. The fact is, we may never know..which is great for both the myth and tourism.

Usually, with enough time and help from science and technological advancements, there isn't a great deal that remains a mystery to us these days. Which makes it all the more perplexing why the majority of people still find the mind of the opposite sex such an enigma. It remains an amazement to me that we have nailed down complex social structures of animals with no coherent speech, but when it comes to modern day dating and relationship know-how, we are about as knowledgeable as our paleolithic ancestors. So in an effort to finally put to bed the age old questions about understanding the opposite sex and what makes them tic, let's get to demystifying things.

PART I: WHAT WENT WRONG

Who cares! See, things go wrong and get off course all the time, and not just in relationships. You can spend years trying to figure out the impetus/origins of the problem, but then you have a lot of wasted time and what have you gained? For most, the only thing they've gained is a hefty therapy bill and an opportunity for one person to point a finger at the other and say, "See, I told you it was your fault!". Rarely an environment in which to foster trust and communication in your significant other. Enter Father William of Ockham, who wrote "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity", or more commonly referred to as Occam's Razor and more popularly, but incorrectly, summarized as "the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." Regardless, this theory is precisely the key to turning things around in your current relationship and to understanding the opposite sex. Meaning, stop over complicating the situation and your significant other. At some point you will truly need to sit down with the one you love and communicate. Let me be more specific..communicate, not talk at, which requires you to ACTUALLY be empathetic (if you require an understanding of empathy and good communication skills, then I suggest you Google it or enroll in a night school course). However, for now it is good enough to begin with one simple act/concept to get you well on your way to repairing your current relationship, which for some is easier than others (something my ex girlfriend couldn't manage which is why I happen to know a bit about the subject) and that is...BE SELFISH! No you didn't read that wrong. Before you break things off, drag your significant other kicking and screaming into therapy, postpone the wedding, or enter into yet another verbal tug of war, be selfish. Being selfish in this case refers to you imagining all the things your significant other used to say or do for you that made you feel special, good, happy, like you were the only guy/girl in the world, safe, cared for/about, etc. Now, before you do anything else (that includes having a "talk") start saying and doing all those things to your significant other that felt so good and reassuring to you (obviously not all at once or in one day, unless you want them thinking you've gone round the bend) for the next week. Don't make it obvious and do not act as if you're hoping for or expecting anything in return. If at some point during the week they ask you what's the deal with the sudden niceties, answer/react like it's an everyday occurrence and you really weren't aware of anything different in your manner. DO NOT seize upon the opportunity as an opening to throw your emotional/verbal floodgates open. Skip over it quickly and continue your day/routine as normal or as if nothing happened. If by the end of the week there isn't a noticeable change in your significant other (softened up, started communicating--not necessarily about the current problems--reciprocated some of these gestures, or in some tiny way tried to show you they still care) then it's time to start thinking about sitting down with them and discussing plans for an amicable break. It is human nature to be hurt by someone, and usually deepest by the ones we allow the closest to us. Even so, your bond with your significant other by far supersedes any periodic argument, hurt, anger, frustration you may have towards one another, and thus, when you start showing signs of the bond rather than the hurt, that's when human nature takes over and overrides the more foreign angry feelings and begins to force the loving core you've both developed to show through. NOTE: for some, (especially with guys!!) you may have to be incredibly in-tune with your significant other as they (we) can be stunning examples of reluctance when it comes to letting things go. If your significant other hasn't already broken down and asked to be forgiven or completed a 180* turnaround faster than a navy tail-gunner in a dogfight, then brace yourself because it's coming. If, however, you happen to be affixed to one of the aforementioned knuckledraggers, you most certainly should see a change, but possibly minus the breaking down and begging to talk bit, which is perfectly fine..would you rather be well on your way to relationship bliss and getting to the point where the two of you can discuss wants/needs/boundaries, or is having an all out "I need closure NOW" conversation more important? Regardless of how your situation plays out at the end of the week, there should be marked improvement, and with or without a "big talk" capping the week (I seriously can not stress this enough) DO NOT STOP DOING/SAYING THE THINGS THAT SHOW THEM YOUR LOVE, COMMITMENT, RESPECT, CARING...EVER!

Go right now to your calendar, day planner, phone, the back of your hand where you jot down all your notes, whatever..and mark today's date as "start", then put a big fat star and a "?" at 7 days from today. Not to worry, there are plenty more things I will share with you between now and then that will help you during this week and beyond, but as I said, for now it's enough to start with this single exercise. Lastly, I want to remind you that the key is to act normal and slide these niceties in under the radar, and above all, DO NOT be negative or allow yourself to be pulled into any arguments. Overlook any and ALL negativity completely! After all, they have no clue of your QB substitution. Talk to you very soon.

 

Coercion And The Last Stand: Custer And Sitting Bull Inapplicable

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Blogger..

So, In the spirit of the upcoming All Hollows' Eve, I have a bit of a trick and a treat for you (well, treat for some, that is). As I had promised; I was finished blogging. My intent and hope was to draw your attention to the distance that had slowly, and by degrees, crept up between you and the one you love(d); remind you of the time in the not so distant past when you literally and unquestionably would have stepped in front of a bullet for him/her; maybe, just maybe rattle around enough nostalgic embers to start a fire; and finally, impart to you enough stepping off stone ideas in order for you to find your way back to the path you both once felt so fulfilled on. 

Well, so again, that's what I was aiming for, and apparently, it struck a chord with a handful of you who asked if I had any more info or tips on the subject. First, I want to make it abundantly clear that the information I've gained is from undergraduate psych/sociology courses, personal experiences, listening to friends/co-workers/couples, along with a lot of personal fact finding research. I DO NOT hold any degrees or certificates, nor am I "qualified" by any means to teach or instruct anyone anything about successful relationships (as most of my ex girlfriends will enthusiastically attest!!). I'm no expert or guru, nor am I anything remotely approaching perfect..and what's more, I'm currently single. Even still, I wanted to share my personal thoughts and opinions based on the knowledge I've gained through the aforementioned ways, missed opportunities, mistakes, and sometimes downright calamities, in the hope that it may be of some use to someone. Essentially, I'm telling you you have absolutely ZERO recourse for legal action against me if you try something from my blog that gets you a weekend exiled to your back porch, murmuring a constant stream of muffled I'm sorry's directed up at your bedroom window. With that said, for those of you who asked, I will do one more segment of--let me say this one last time--my OPINIONS! Okay then, let's get started..

One person who read my previous posts, sent me an email which said my blog was a real wake up call to her. This person went on to say that one of the things it did was to make her realize she had gotten lazy and she'd lost her passion. She told me she hadn't just lost her passion with her husband, but really, for everything. Sorry M, but to me this sounded ludicrous because you're nowhere near dead yet and really all it seems you need is that spark to reignite the fire and start doing what it takes to reinvigorate yourself and your husband. Someone else asked me, "Doesn't passion naturally fade away the longer you're together?"..that seemed so foreign a concept because to me, nothing could be further from the truth.

I have this deeply held belief that says passion, love, intimacy and YES, even great sex doesn't ever have to fade away. I believe that whether we have passion or not in our relationships/life is a choice we make in every moment (thanks, Inge, for reminding me of that!). To me, the question you need to continually be asking yourself is what are you doing in every moment of your relationship and life.. is it bringing you closer to, or further from what you want? For many people, they've lost their fire, their drive and they're just going through the motions in their life. To me, this is like dying while you're still alive. I'm not interested in that, nor do I have the time for wastefulness and negativity (I'm gettin' too old for that crap). Honestly, I say give me passion, a zest for life, an incredible woman, some really good music, food and the occasional vacation chucked in there for good measure..to me, that's happiness! 

In the upcoming post, we'll get down and dirty as to some of my thoughts on how to transition from here to there. From simply going through the motions to reigniting the passion in yourself..and how making that change in yourself positively effects and attracts your significant other. 

Talk to you soon.. 

Enough is Enough; Part 2: You disgust me!

Not surprisingly, as of August 23rd, 2010, the United States continues its reign of beating out every other country in the world, that's # 1 out of the current 195, for having the highest rate of divorce. Put another way, the US has once again proven itself to be the laziest country on earth.

People in industrialized nations have been lulled into becoming a "reset" or "throw away" society. Is your electric can opener on the fritz? Chuck it and head to walmart! Is your relationship not perfect or experiencing a normal cyclical dip? Push reset and find a new mate! Has your Grandma's decline in health become an inconvenience to the family? Club Nanna over the head like a baby seal and--I think you get the picture. The point is, the most rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling things in life are things we earn, that take time, or that we've worked hard to achieve. It's a verifiable and incontrovertible fact that major lottery winners are 10 times more likely to become depressed (and broke within 5 years of their win), than those of their peers who have earned the same amount of money. Can you imagine how different life would be had people like Martin Luther King Jr., Fanny Wright, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama decided to tuck tail and run at the the first (second, third, fourth..) sign that things weren't going their way? Thank God for their resiliency and commitment! So, should you blindly stay in a dangerous relationship simply because MLK persevered in the face of constant death threats? Only if you're a moron! What I'm saying is relationships, like anything else that's fulfilling, takes commitment and work..lots of it. It's easy to spot the lazy people because they're the first to respond with, "What about all the people who are in happy relationships that don't have to work at it?" or "Maybe a happy relationship shouldn't be so much work"..to this, I can only shake my head in wonder and ask..Really? Can you introduce me to the robot community of couples you're referring to? NO relationship or person is perfect. NO relationship is without ups and downs. NO commitment should be/can be disposable. There is a term in metal working known as tempering. Tempering is the process of changing a relatively soft steel into a super strong, long lasting metal by heating it to just before its melting point then rapidly cooling it down, which is done several times, and each time the steel becomes increasingly stronger. The obvious correlation is that yes, you should experience wonderful ups and be generally happy in a relationship, but it's the downs and working together through these times which temper a relationship and give it its endurable strength. 

As I've mentioned above, and throughout my previous blog posts, there are a handful of reasons in which you're an idiot if you don't immediately end a relationship for good. Beyond those, the decision should be based on whether your partner is able and willing to do the repair work with you. However, (and I'm mainly speaking to women here because men are especially dense and may require a second, maybe even a third chance at redemption on any one particular mistake or area) no one should accept a partner who continually makes the same mistake, over and over. And (I'm mainly talking to the guys here because women can be shortsighted to just how incredibly stupid and dense we can be when it comes to finally "getting it") never should your partners concerns or feelings be taken lightly or for granted. If you're walking on eggshells, then either you're obviously in a situation where you feel a beating is a realistic response from your partner and you should stop reading this NOW and leave, or, you are allowing yourself to take the backseat in the relationship--get off your ass and the eggshells, grow a backbone, realize that tough times aren't just hard or unpleasant for you, and more than likely, your partner feels just as sad, helpless, worried, or on eggshells as you. It may sound unfair, but as much as you'd like for your partner to be the one to change the situation, regardless of who you feel is at fault, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and "be the change you want to see". 

The fact of the matter is, there is no magic check list or fairy tale formula that you can go by in determining whether to stay or to leave. In researching this very topic, I came across many relationship success stories of people who took some seriously bitter lemons, (and I mean BITTER!) and not only made lemonade, but are deliriously happy and admit it wouldn't have happened otherwise. Admittedly, as I read some of the horror stories of what these couples went through to achieve their ultimate happiness and fortitude, I found myself questioning whether I would have continued if in their shoes. The best thing for anyone to do in this situation is to be realistic, (and unless you're as intuitive as a bowling ball) use common sense and your gut-feeling and ask yourself is there enough love left in you. If yes, then have an honest to god conversation with your partner, after which, you'll have a pretty good idea whether things are salvageable.   

As this is more than likely my last post of this blog--I too have to start living and putting this stuff into practice at some point, not just dispense it to you guys--I'll wish you the very best, and happiness! Lastly, I'd like to leave you with something a friend of mine said to me recently in an email..

"...People always think they will be happier once they....find a mate, find some money, find a job and on and on. That is a choice you make - daily! The reality is relationships are fickle. Like I tell my kids and hubby, love isn't as much a feeling as it is a decision. I choose to love you. I decided a few years back that I was going to love people, especially my family, to their core, no matter what! You can't give away what you don't have so that's why it's so important to me to have a lot of love inside..."                        
 

Enough is Enough

I've been asked many times at what point in a troubled relationship do you give up, throw in the towel, and walk away. If you ask ten people you will most likely hear ten different answers. Quite frankly, if someone were to have asked me my take on the subject prior to the early summer of 2007, I probably would have answered them with an I don't know, or fumbled off some distant, indeterminate threshold. However, in that fateful spring/summer, I would meet a very special person for whom would effect in me the depth of feelings I'd never before come close to experiencing, or thought was possible. This was such a pivotal and epiphanic occurrence that it thankfully turned my previous held sophomoric beliefs about relationships on their head, which afforded me the insight I now live by and likely would still be waiting on had our paths not crossed.

So, what did I learn? Well, let's leave that for now and return to it later in the story, after we first pay equal homage to the other side of the coin.

I often wonder whether these same people who are asking when to pull the plug, if they gave the same amount of thought, concern, and energy towards preventative measures, or at least at rehabilitation when things noticeably started a downward trend. Alternatively, did they work their asses off trying to rescue the relationship, but either burned out due to going it alone, or simply failing to know exactly how or what to concentrate their energy on to give the relationship the best chance for success? In other words, if you spend all your resources completing the first and second floors of a house before you pour the foundation, it would be incredibly unlikely if your house would ever be move in ready without some serious influx of help or money. 

Now, I have no intention of assuming your individual circumstances and prescribing the perfect pill that would bring you back from the brink (for that, at least for now, you can get a small hand hold on 11th hour measures simply by deduction from my previous blogs), but rather, my immediate goal is to pass along things to consider before your relationship reaches purgatory. Some of these admittedly may tend towards the corny, but at least they're still a step in the right direction and hopefully will stimulate your own ideas. But if nothing else, my hope is for you to start thinking about your partner again as someone you enjoy planning secret little niceties for. Hey, it beats your current situation, no? More importantly, it's a start!  

• Wish Bowl: If your partner doesn't initiate with you romantically and intimately you can encourage him or her by writing down things you like on cards and putting them in a bowl. For example: give a massage, plan a date, have a shower together, create a romantic mood, offer a hug and a kiss when you see each other after work, write poetry, etc. Get your partner to take one card out of the bowl each evening and learn to become intimate. Since they're your ideas you are more likely to respond in a positive fashion.
  
  
• Eyes Wide Open: To help connect on an emotional level with your partner take a minute each day to look into your partner's eyes and express how you feel about him or her. Follow it up with a kiss...with your eyes open.
  
  
• Gifts from the Heart: Every now and then surprise your partner with a gift. It doesn't have to be anything big but make sure when you give it, you tell your partner how much you love and appreciate the things he or she does for you. It will create a sense of gratitude and your partner will not feel taken for granted.
  
  
• Getting Rid of Anger: To release anger in a way that doesn't escalate an argument, find a target that you can pretend is the person you are angry with and throw bean bags at it. Verbalize what that person does to make you angry. On each throw you release your resentment and frustration both verbally and physically. This way you don't take it out on your partner. And, by letting off steam you have a chance to discuss your feelings clearly and honestly.
  
  
• Time to Relax: For couples with kids it's important that you share raising them fairly. Take turns preparing meals, running them around and picking up after them. This allows the other partner to have some down time. Make a schedule that blocks time for both the daily chores and free time. Taking time to relax will help you be more up for positive interaction with your kids, and each other.
  
  
• Silent Connection: Spend a minute each day facing each other and pressing your hands up against your partner's. Look into each other's eyes. Then tell him or her something you like about about him or her. Nonverbal intimacy, even for a short time, can short-circuit the day's frustration and put you in a positive mental state. The verbal reinforcement helps insure you are connecting on all levels.
  
  
• Active listening: This exercise can help you and your partner understand and learn what the other is feeling so that you have a chance to start solving issues in your relationship. Find a quiet private place in your home. Take turns telling each other what you want to say. When one of you has spoken the other partner must repeat back what was said, NOT what they think they heard. Repeat your partner's sentiments until you get it right. This will save misunderstanding, confusion and lots of yelling!

• Treat each other like royalty: Take turns bringing each other a meal in bed. It's intimate, and makes your partner feel special and cared for.
  
  
• Partnership/ Team Building: To strengthen your partnership try doing things together that need both your input. Going camping, for instance, can be fun, but you have to help each other pitch the tent and encourage each other's efforts. A change of environment and teamwork can work wonders for the sex life.
  
  
• Creative Foreplay: Bringing creativity into your sex life is fun and keeps desire alive. Edible body paints and foods are a great way to bring sensuality into foreplay. Stimulating the senses can create desire and passion.
  
  
• Couples ARC: When you and your partner have resorted to insulting each other it causes a lot of hurt. Both partners in a relationship need to take responsibility for being mean and hurtful. Each day turn to each other and APOLOGIZE for a wrong doing, mention something you RESPECT in your partner and then CONNECT by hugging or kissing. These three things, done daily, can really ground the relationship.
  
  
• Romance Chest: Many couples lack romance in their busy lives and many women's desire is evoked through romantic gestures. A simple way to bring intimacy to the relationship is to put together a romance chest — include wine, candles, scented oils for massage, chocolate, etc. When you're in the mood you can go to the box and set the scene for a romantic evening.
  
  
• Poetry and Romance: A simple way to show someone you care about them is writing a poem. It may seem old-fashioned but if it's romantic and heartfelt it can create emotional desire.
  
  
• Sensual Massage: Massage helps couples wind down and learn to touch each other gently and sensually. It usually creates desire and a sense of well being and a closeness with you partner.
  
  
• Partnership Dance: To help reconnect, find an activity that you can both learn to do together. Look for something that you both find interesting. It will keep you connected and focused on accomplishing something NEW together.
  
  
• Letting Go of the Past: Old issues can destroy your chances of moving into the future. Couples can write down their past issues and transgressions on small cards then attach them to balloons. Facing each other, take turns reading the cards. Each partner needs to look the other in the eye, acknowledge the issue, make a heartfelt apology and then let the issue go forever. Watching the balloon float way allows the process of closure.
  
  
• Weekly Schedules: Schedules can help couples work out their time together and have a more balanced relationship. By using magnets on the refrigerator to symbolize your plans set aside specific times of specific days for together time. Get into a routine so that you can schedule both alone time and together time.

• Foreplay Assignment: On plain paper, make an outline of your body. Mark down on the diagram exactly what you like sexually and where you like. Be explicit. Swap diagrams and learn about your partners hot spots.
  
  
• Rock Climbing: Rock climbing with your partner can help build trust. For added adventure (and in a safe environment) one partner can be blindfolded while the other leads with words of direction and encouragement. This experience helps each partner see how they need to work as a team to accomplish some things.
  
  
• Getting in Touch with Your Sexuality: It's important to feel confident about your body and sexuality. Try taking lessons or get an instructional video for erotic dancing. It can be learned in private and helps relieve anxiety and build confidence.
  
  
• It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes: It may be hard to believe but anything can be foreplay as long as you apply the right thinking to it. Turn an everyday chore into fun by making a romantic gesture while cleaning, cooking or folding the laundry.
  
  
• Keep Connected by Phone: Couples with busy schedules often have a hard time staying connected. Calling each other and talking in a romantic way can give you a chance to build up desire so that when you meet you are ready for intimacy.
  
  
• Hypnosis: Hypnosis can help with ingrained bad habits, like constantly being late for all of your dates. See if this techniques works on a bad habit you can't seem to break.
  
  
• Speak and I'll follow: To learn to communicate clearly and to listen better one partner is blindfolded while the other has to describe a picture of shapes and patterns. The blindfolded partner must try to draw the picture relying solely on the other partner's instructions and listening carefully. It is an exercise that helps reveal that clear and precise communication is important.
  
  
• Away from it All: Couples need private time. Make boundaries in the home if living with others and schedule private time with your partner. Take a trip on a boat, or have a picnic in the park or even rent a hotel room, anything that allows you intimate time together.
  
  
• Erotic Home Videos: You can keep the excitement and creativity in the bedroom. Make up a story, write a script, maybe even get costumes. Be creative, don't forget to include plenty of foreplay and erotic interludes and then shoot your own erotic video.
  
  

• Couples Commitment Course: An outdoor ropes course can play a key role in teaching a couple to support and encourage each other on equal ground. Reaching the end of this physically challenging course depends on the pair's ability to rely on and support each other. It is a good test for any relationship as it identifies strengths, weaknesses and how the couple works together toward a common goal.

Hopefully you've found a few things that sparked in you a new found enthusiasm and commitment to repairing and reconnecting with your loved one. Before I leave you to it, as I earlier promised, I'll first leave you with two parting thoughts..


What the experience with the person I was able to fully let in taught me was this..  At what point do you cash in your chips and give up on the person you once loved, cherished, and committed yourself to? Never. Never! As long as there is love left between you, and of course, no violence, drugs, infidelity, etc., then the answer is simple..Never. Even if you experience a serious down cycle of the normal ups and downs, go back and do some more foundation work. I gaurentee your house will be significantly stronger for it! 

And finally, listen to the following..










 

Equestrian gear, J. Robert Oppenheimer, and the Trinity

J. Robert Oppenheimer (April 22, 1904 – February 18, 1967) was an American theoretical physicist and professor of physics at the University of California, Berkeley . He is best known for his role as the scientific director of the Manhattan Project, the World War II project that developed the first nuclear weapons, for which he is often referred to as the "father of the atomic bomb". In reference to the Trinity test in New Mexico, where the first atomic bomb was detonated, Oppenheimer famously recalled the Bhagavad Gita: "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."


Oppenheimer, in his singular dedication to his work, failed to understand or consider the "other" ramifications in achieving success. In the same sense, I am just as guilty in the first degree of falling prey to the Horse Blinders Syndrome. Seldom is it a good idea to be singular in manner in any endeavor, including relationships. No matter how dedicated or valiant the effort is towards skyrocketing a person/relationship to the top of your priority list, caution should be taken not to forget about all the "other" aspects, or more precisely, blindly giving that person/relationship everything it "wants and desires". The downfall in doing so is something I liken to a parent satisfying a teenagers every material want. How many times have you desired a material possession, whereupon obtaining it, all the ethereal excitement and newness quickly fades, and soon your attention turns to the next shiny thing? I'm certainly not advocating jerking your loved one around, or withholding any needs from them that serve to strengthen closeness and commitment, but unabashedly granting their every want is every bit as foolhardy as you storming an Al-Qaeda stronghold alone, simply out of your singular dedication and desire to win the war. Luck, love, and wars, as it would seem, not only favor the prepared, but also, those with excellent peripheral vision! 

         

Part Deux: "Excuse me, ma'am..you dropped these"

Arguably the two most necessary, yet illusive words to know and live by when laying the foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship. Please familiarize yourself with these concepts because they make up 95% of what will be covered on the test. Need I remind anyone that this class is a pass/fail course?!    


World English Dictionary:
 

respect  (rɪˈspɛkt)
— n
1.	an attitude of deference, admiration, or esteem; regard
2.	the state of being honored or esteemed
3.	a detail, point, or characteristic; particular: he differs in some respects from his son
4.	reference or relation (esp in the phrases in respect of , with respect to )
5.	polite or kind regard; consideration: respect for people's feelings
6.	( often plural ) an expression of esteem or regard (esp in the phrase pay one's respects )
— vb
7.	to have an attitude of esteem towards; show or have respect for: to respect one's elders
8.	to pay proper attention to; not violate: to respect Swiss neutrality
9.	to show consideration for; treat courteously or kindly
10.	archaic  to concern or refer to

Main Entry:	respect
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	admiration given by others
Synonyms:	account, adoration, appreciation, approbation, awe, consideration, courtesy, deference, dignity, esteem, estimation, favor, fear, homage, honor, obeisance, ovation, recognition, regard, repute, reverence, testimonial, tribute, veneration, worship
Antonyms:	disdain, dishonor, disrespect

commitment [kuh-mit-muhnt]

 

–noun

1.

the act of committing.

2.

the state of being committed.

3.

the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

4.

a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.

5.

engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.

6.

perpetration or commission, as of a marriage

Main Entry:

commitment

Part of Speech:

noun

Definition:

assurance; obligation

Synonyms:

charge, committal, duty, engagement, guarantee, liability, must, need, ought, pledge, promise, responsibility, undertaking, vow, word

Antonyms:

broken promise, denial, refusal