Enough is Enough

I've been asked many times at what point in a troubled relationship do you give up, throw in the towel, and walk away. If you ask ten people you will most likely hear ten different answers. Quite frankly, if someone were to have asked me my take on the subject prior to the early summer of 2007, I probably would have answered them with an I don't know, or fumbled off some distant, indeterminate threshold. However, in that fateful spring/summer, I would meet a very special person for whom would effect in me the depth of feelings I'd never before come close to experiencing, or thought was possible. This was such a pivotal and epiphanic occurrence that it thankfully turned my previous held sophomoric beliefs about relationships on their head, which afforded me the insight I now live by and likely would still be waiting on had our paths not crossed.

So, what did I learn? Well, let's leave that for now and return to it later in the story, after we first pay equal homage to the other side of the coin.

I often wonder whether these same people who are asking when to pull the plug, if they gave the same amount of thought, concern, and energy towards preventative measures, or at least at rehabilitation when things noticeably started a downward trend. Alternatively, did they work their asses off trying to rescue the relationship, but either burned out due to going it alone, or simply failing to know exactly how or what to concentrate their energy on to give the relationship the best chance for success? In other words, if you spend all your resources completing the first and second floors of a house before you pour the foundation, it would be incredibly unlikely if your house would ever be move in ready without some serious influx of help or money. 

Now, I have no intention of assuming your individual circumstances and prescribing the perfect pill that would bring you back from the brink (for that, at least for now, you can get a small hand hold on 11th hour measures simply by deduction from my previous blogs), but rather, my immediate goal is to pass along things to consider before your relationship reaches purgatory. Some of these admittedly may tend towards the corny, but at least they're still a step in the right direction and hopefully will stimulate your own ideas. But if nothing else, my hope is for you to start thinking about your partner again as someone you enjoy planning secret little niceties for. Hey, it beats your current situation, no? More importantly, it's a start!  

• Wish Bowl: If your partner doesn't initiate with you romantically and intimately you can encourage him or her by writing down things you like on cards and putting them in a bowl. For example: give a massage, plan a date, have a shower together, create a romantic mood, offer a hug and a kiss when you see each other after work, write poetry, etc. Get your partner to take one card out of the bowl each evening and learn to become intimate. Since they're your ideas you are more likely to respond in a positive fashion.
  
  
• Eyes Wide Open: To help connect on an emotional level with your partner take a minute each day to look into your partner's eyes and express how you feel about him or her. Follow it up with a kiss...with your eyes open.
  
  
• Gifts from the Heart: Every now and then surprise your partner with a gift. It doesn't have to be anything big but make sure when you give it, you tell your partner how much you love and appreciate the things he or she does for you. It will create a sense of gratitude and your partner will not feel taken for granted.
  
  
• Getting Rid of Anger: To release anger in a way that doesn't escalate an argument, find a target that you can pretend is the person you are angry with and throw bean bags at it. Verbalize what that person does to make you angry. On each throw you release your resentment and frustration both verbally and physically. This way you don't take it out on your partner. And, by letting off steam you have a chance to discuss your feelings clearly and honestly.
  
  
• Time to Relax: For couples with kids it's important that you share raising them fairly. Take turns preparing meals, running them around and picking up after them. This allows the other partner to have some down time. Make a schedule that blocks time for both the daily chores and free time. Taking time to relax will help you be more up for positive interaction with your kids, and each other.
  
  
• Silent Connection: Spend a minute each day facing each other and pressing your hands up against your partner's. Look into each other's eyes. Then tell him or her something you like about about him or her. Nonverbal intimacy, even for a short time, can short-circuit the day's frustration and put you in a positive mental state. The verbal reinforcement helps insure you are connecting on all levels.
  
  
• Active listening: This exercise can help you and your partner understand and learn what the other is feeling so that you have a chance to start solving issues in your relationship. Find a quiet private place in your home. Take turns telling each other what you want to say. When one of you has spoken the other partner must repeat back what was said, NOT what they think they heard. Repeat your partner's sentiments until you get it right. This will save misunderstanding, confusion and lots of yelling!

• Treat each other like royalty: Take turns bringing each other a meal in bed. It's intimate, and makes your partner feel special and cared for.
  
  
• Partnership/ Team Building: To strengthen your partnership try doing things together that need both your input. Going camping, for instance, can be fun, but you have to help each other pitch the tent and encourage each other's efforts. A change of environment and teamwork can work wonders for the sex life.
  
  
• Creative Foreplay: Bringing creativity into your sex life is fun and keeps desire alive. Edible body paints and foods are a great way to bring sensuality into foreplay. Stimulating the senses can create desire and passion.
  
  
• Couples ARC: When you and your partner have resorted to insulting each other it causes a lot of hurt. Both partners in a relationship need to take responsibility for being mean and hurtful. Each day turn to each other and APOLOGIZE for a wrong doing, mention something you RESPECT in your partner and then CONNECT by hugging or kissing. These three things, done daily, can really ground the relationship.
  
  
• Romance Chest: Many couples lack romance in their busy lives and many women's desire is evoked through romantic gestures. A simple way to bring intimacy to the relationship is to put together a romance chest — include wine, candles, scented oils for massage, chocolate, etc. When you're in the mood you can go to the box and set the scene for a romantic evening.
  
  
• Poetry and Romance: A simple way to show someone you care about them is writing a poem. It may seem old-fashioned but if it's romantic and heartfelt it can create emotional desire.
  
  
• Sensual Massage: Massage helps couples wind down and learn to touch each other gently and sensually. It usually creates desire and a sense of well being and a closeness with you partner.
  
  
• Partnership Dance: To help reconnect, find an activity that you can both learn to do together. Look for something that you both find interesting. It will keep you connected and focused on accomplishing something NEW together.
  
  
• Letting Go of the Past: Old issues can destroy your chances of moving into the future. Couples can write down their past issues and transgressions on small cards then attach them to balloons. Facing each other, take turns reading the cards. Each partner needs to look the other in the eye, acknowledge the issue, make a heartfelt apology and then let the issue go forever. Watching the balloon float way allows the process of closure.
  
  
• Weekly Schedules: Schedules can help couples work out their time together and have a more balanced relationship. By using magnets on the refrigerator to symbolize your plans set aside specific times of specific days for together time. Get into a routine so that you can schedule both alone time and together time.

• Foreplay Assignment: On plain paper, make an outline of your body. Mark down on the diagram exactly what you like sexually and where you like. Be explicit. Swap diagrams and learn about your partners hot spots.
  
  
• Rock Climbing: Rock climbing with your partner can help build trust. For added adventure (and in a safe environment) one partner can be blindfolded while the other leads with words of direction and encouragement. This experience helps each partner see how they need to work as a team to accomplish some things.
  
  
• Getting in Touch with Your Sexuality: It's important to feel confident about your body and sexuality. Try taking lessons or get an instructional video for erotic dancing. It can be learned in private and helps relieve anxiety and build confidence.
  
  
• It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes: It may be hard to believe but anything can be foreplay as long as you apply the right thinking to it. Turn an everyday chore into fun by making a romantic gesture while cleaning, cooking or folding the laundry.
  
  
• Keep Connected by Phone: Couples with busy schedules often have a hard time staying connected. Calling each other and talking in a romantic way can give you a chance to build up desire so that when you meet you are ready for intimacy.
  
  
• Hypnosis: Hypnosis can help with ingrained bad habits, like constantly being late for all of your dates. See if this techniques works on a bad habit you can't seem to break.
  
  
• Speak and I'll follow: To learn to communicate clearly and to listen better one partner is blindfolded while the other has to describe a picture of shapes and patterns. The blindfolded partner must try to draw the picture relying solely on the other partner's instructions and listening carefully. It is an exercise that helps reveal that clear and precise communication is important.
  
  
• Away from it All: Couples need private time. Make boundaries in the home if living with others and schedule private time with your partner. Take a trip on a boat, or have a picnic in the park or even rent a hotel room, anything that allows you intimate time together.
  
  
• Erotic Home Videos: You can keep the excitement and creativity in the bedroom. Make up a story, write a script, maybe even get costumes. Be creative, don't forget to include plenty of foreplay and erotic interludes and then shoot your own erotic video.
  
  

• Couples Commitment Course: An outdoor ropes course can play a key role in teaching a couple to support and encourage each other on equal ground. Reaching the end of this physically challenging course depends on the pair's ability to rely on and support each other. It is a good test for any relationship as it identifies strengths, weaknesses and how the couple works together toward a common goal.

Hopefully you've found a few things that sparked in you a new found enthusiasm and commitment to repairing and reconnecting with your loved one. Before I leave you to it, as I earlier promised, I'll first leave you with two parting thoughts..


What the experience with the person I was able to fully let in taught me was this..  At what point do you cash in your chips and give up on the person you once loved, cherished, and committed yourself to? Never. Never! As long as there is love left between you, and of course, no violence, drugs, infidelity, etc., then the answer is simple..Never. Even if you experience a serious down cycle of the normal ups and downs, go back and do some more foundation work. I gaurentee your house will be significantly stronger for it! 

And finally, listen to the following..










 

Equestrian gear, J. Robert Oppenheimer, and the Trinity

J. Robert Oppenheimer (April 22, 1904 – February 18, 1967) was an American theoretical physicist and professor of physics at the University of California, Berkeley . He is best known for his role as the scientific director of the Manhattan Project, the World War II project that developed the first nuclear weapons, for which he is often referred to as the "father of the atomic bomb". In reference to the Trinity test in New Mexico, where the first atomic bomb was detonated, Oppenheimer famously recalled the Bhagavad Gita: "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."


Oppenheimer, in his singular dedication to his work, failed to understand or consider the "other" ramifications in achieving success. In the same sense, I am just as guilty in the first degree of falling prey to the Horse Blinders Syndrome. Seldom is it a good idea to be singular in manner in any endeavor, including relationships. No matter how dedicated or valiant the effort is towards skyrocketing a person/relationship to the top of your priority list, caution should be taken not to forget about all the "other" aspects, or more precisely, blindly giving that person/relationship everything it "wants and desires". The downfall in doing so is something I liken to a parent satisfying a teenagers every material want. How many times have you desired a material possession, whereupon obtaining it, all the ethereal excitement and newness quickly fades, and soon your attention turns to the next shiny thing? I'm certainly not advocating jerking your loved one around, or withholding any needs from them that serve to strengthen closeness and commitment, but unabashedly granting their every want is every bit as foolhardy as you storming an Al-Qaeda stronghold alone, simply out of your singular dedication and desire to win the war. Luck, love, and wars, as it would seem, not only favor the prepared, but also, those with excellent peripheral vision! 

         

Part Deux: "Excuse me, ma'am..you dropped these"

Arguably the two most necessary, yet illusive words to know and live by when laying the foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship. Please familiarize yourself with these concepts because they make up 95% of what will be covered on the test. Need I remind anyone that this class is a pass/fail course?!    


World English Dictionary:
 

respect  (rɪˈspɛkt)
— n
1.	an attitude of deference, admiration, or esteem; regard
2.	the state of being honored or esteemed
3.	a detail, point, or characteristic; particular: he differs in some respects from his son
4.	reference or relation (esp in the phrases in respect of , with respect to )
5.	polite or kind regard; consideration: respect for people's feelings
6.	( often plural ) an expression of esteem or regard (esp in the phrase pay one's respects )
— vb
7.	to have an attitude of esteem towards; show or have respect for: to respect one's elders
8.	to pay proper attention to; not violate: to respect Swiss neutrality
9.	to show consideration for; treat courteously or kindly
10.	archaic  to concern or refer to

Main Entry:	respect
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	admiration given by others
Synonyms:	account, adoration, appreciation, approbation, awe, consideration, courtesy, deference, dignity, esteem, estimation, favor, fear, homage, honor, obeisance, ovation, recognition, regard, repute, reverence, testimonial, tribute, veneration, worship
Antonyms:	disdain, dishonor, disrespect

commitment [kuh-mit-muhnt]

 

–noun

1.

the act of committing.

2.

the state of being committed.

3.

the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

4.

a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.

5.

engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.

6.

perpetration or commission, as of a marriage

Main Entry:

commitment

Part of Speech:

noun

Definition:

assurance; obligation

Synonyms:

charge, committal, duty, engagement, guarantee, liability, must, need, ought, pledge, promise, responsibility, undertaking, vow, word

Antonyms:

broken promise, denial, refusal

What women may not know about men

At the root of a man's psychological structure is the desire to be competent and the fear that he is not. In essence he is always trying to find opportunities to prove himself, usually through achievement and power. In addition, he is ever alert to the slightest hint of criticism from his partner, which might mean that he isn't "good enough" in her eyes. He can be ultra sensitive to the possibility that his loved one might think he is less than wonderful, or that she might think him responsible for something bad.

 In the context of a relationship, the ultimate way that a man knows

that he is good enough is when he recognizes that

his partner (you) are truly happy with him.

It doesn't matter what you say or do -- it matters what you feel.

A woman's grace creates this understanding. Its your grace, your forgiveness and your affection that he seeks. If a man senses that you are unhappy, or that you disapprove of him, he feels so depressed that he would rather not live.

Speak positively about him in front of others, especially with your family, friends, and co-workers. You should never bash him or put him down in front of these people. Doing so will show a total lack of respect for him and diminish his trust and intimacy for you. You may also create a "mob mentality"--which is to say, you may create a support system that only supports you leaving him. If there is a problem, and you legitimately need to talk to someone about him, please do so. But do not constantly complain about him to these or other people.
 
Understanding what a man is, is very important to understanding what a man needs. Knowing this, the woman who let's her mate know that he is appreciated has fulfilled a natural confirmation of his unconscious need to be appreciated, and the bond between the two is strengthened.

Men need more validation from women than women need of men. Never take a mans good deed for granted. If he buys you a gift or takes you out to dinner without your asking, understand that he has put a lot of thought into this. If your reaction is anything other than complete gratitude, or worse, if you complain or question his choice, he will feel crushed and unloved. Even if the sweater he bought is a hideous green and too big, or if you are not in the mood for chicken wings and beer, you will make him feel loved, cherished, and closer to you than ever if you simply show your gratitude.

Men need your reassurance of commitment. Men understand unconsciously that their position with their woman is dependent on performance. This is not necessarily a truth just a throw back to our tribal days, where a man could be replaced by another simply. This genetic insecurity is often a cause of doubt and pain within men when they feel that their performance has not been "good enough" to warrant their place. The woman who reassure's her mate will find that the bond between them will grow much stronger as a result of the need of her man to be reassured. With the exception of physical violence, abuse, infidelity, or drug abuse, the worst thing a women can do is leave a man when he makes a mistake. Compliance through threats of leaving, or actually leaving will severely damage his trust for you and cripple any closeness you share, possibly irreparably. If he has hurt your feelings, take a timeout then share your hurt with him. One of the biggest fears a man has is abandonment. In fact, a surefire way to kill a relationship is to keep one foot out the door. A commitment is just that, a promise to help each other through the best and worst of times, no matter what. Women who hold grudges, seek vengeance, cling to bitterness and are unwilling to forgive, unwittingly break their own hearts.

Men need Recognition. Accepting men as they are is crucial to any relationship, and especially for women who expect to be accepted as they are. It is a common paradox that many women attempt to "fix" or "change" their mate, while not being willing to change themselves. Accepting your man with all his foibles is crucial to a long lasting relationship, understanding a man's needs and desires, sexual and emotional, are beyond important to maintaining a strong relationship. Be up front and honest about what you are and what you need, and encourage the same in your mate, accepting what they are and what their needs are.