Enough is Enough; Part 2: You disgust me!

Not surprisingly, as of August 23rd, 2010, the United States continues its reign of beating out every other country in the world, that's # 1 out of the current 195, for having the highest rate of divorce. Put another way, the US has once again proven itself to be the laziest country on earth.

People in industrialized nations have been lulled into becoming a "reset" or "throw away" society. Is your electric can opener on the fritz? Chuck it and head to walmart! Is your relationship not perfect or experiencing a normal cyclical dip? Push reset and find a new mate! Has your Grandma's decline in health become an inconvenience to the family? Club Nanna over the head like a baby seal and--I think you get the picture. The point is, the most rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling things in life are things we earn, that take time, or that we've worked hard to achieve. It's a verifiable and incontrovertible fact that major lottery winners are 10 times more likely to become depressed (and broke within 5 years of their win), than those of their peers who have earned the same amount of money. Can you imagine how different life would be had people like Martin Luther King Jr., Fanny Wright, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama decided to tuck tail and run at the the first (second, third, fourth..) sign that things weren't going their way? Thank God for their resiliency and commitment! So, should you blindly stay in a dangerous relationship simply because MLK persevered in the face of constant death threats? Only if you're a moron! What I'm saying is relationships, like anything else that's fulfilling, takes commitment and work..lots of it. It's easy to spot the lazy people because they're the first to respond with, "What about all the people who are in happy relationships that don't have to work at it?" or "Maybe a happy relationship shouldn't be so much work"..to this, I can only shake my head in wonder and ask..Really? Can you introduce me to the robot community of couples you're referring to? NO relationship or person is perfect. NO relationship is without ups and downs. NO commitment should be/can be disposable. There is a term in metal working known as tempering. Tempering is the process of changing a relatively soft steel into a super strong, long lasting metal by heating it to just before its melting point then rapidly cooling it down, which is done several times, and each time the steel becomes increasingly stronger. The obvious correlation is that yes, you should experience wonderful ups and be generally happy in a relationship, but it's the downs and working together through these times which temper a relationship and give it its endurable strength. 

As I've mentioned above, and throughout my previous blog posts, there are a handful of reasons in which you're an idiot if you don't immediately end a relationship for good. Beyond those, the decision should be based on whether your partner is able and willing to do the repair work with you. However, (and I'm mainly speaking to women here because men are especially dense and may require a second, maybe even a third chance at redemption on any one particular mistake or area) no one should accept a partner who continually makes the same mistake, over and over. And (I'm mainly talking to the guys here because women can be shortsighted to just how incredibly stupid and dense we can be when it comes to finally "getting it") never should your partners concerns or feelings be taken lightly or for granted. If you're walking on eggshells, then either you're obviously in a situation where you feel a beating is a realistic response from your partner and you should stop reading this NOW and leave, or, you are allowing yourself to take the backseat in the relationship--get off your ass and the eggshells, grow a backbone, realize that tough times aren't just hard or unpleasant for you, and more than likely, your partner feels just as sad, helpless, worried, or on eggshells as you. It may sound unfair, but as much as you'd like for your partner to be the one to change the situation, regardless of who you feel is at fault, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and "be the change you want to see". 

The fact of the matter is, there is no magic check list or fairy tale formula that you can go by in determining whether to stay or to leave. In researching this very topic, I came across many relationship success stories of people who took some seriously bitter lemons, (and I mean BITTER!) and not only made lemonade, but are deliriously happy and admit it wouldn't have happened otherwise. Admittedly, as I read some of the horror stories of what these couples went through to achieve their ultimate happiness and fortitude, I found myself questioning whether I would have continued if in their shoes. The best thing for anyone to do in this situation is to be realistic, (and unless you're as intuitive as a bowling ball) use common sense and your gut-feeling and ask yourself is there enough love left in you. If yes, then have an honest to god conversation with your partner, after which, you'll have a pretty good idea whether things are salvageable.   

As this is more than likely my last post of this blog--I too have to start living and putting this stuff into practice at some point, not just dispense it to you guys--I'll wish you the very best, and happiness! Lastly, I'd like to leave you with something a friend of mine said to me recently in an email..

"...People always think they will be happier once they....find a mate, find some money, find a job and on and on. That is a choice you make - daily! The reality is relationships are fickle. Like I tell my kids and hubby, love isn't as much a feeling as it is a decision. I choose to love you. I decided a few years back that I was going to love people, especially my family, to their core, no matter what! You can't give away what you don't have so that's why it's so important to me to have a lot of love inside..."